Golf

The hole problem: Tiger's in trouble

THE HOLE PROBLEM
Sports' most infamous "mistress" could suck Tiger right back into a bad place.
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Jason Whitlock

Jason Whitlock writes about the sports world from every angle, including those other writers can't imagine or muster courage to address. His columns are humorous, thought-provoking, agenda-free, honest and unpredictable. E-mail him, follow his Twitter or become a fan of Jason Whitlock on Facebook.

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LOS ANGELES

Editor's note: Sound familiar? This isn't our first encounter with Miss Pussy Galore. Go into the archives for Jason Whitlock's original piece.

HOW THEY GOT HERE

Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn made headlines in March when they announced they were a couple. See how love bloomed.

With the news that Tiger Woods has entered into a relationship with skier Lindsey Vonn, my bosses asked me if I could secure an interview with Pussy Galore, the notorious paramour who ended Tiger’s marriage to Elin Nordegren.

It has been more than two decades since Ms. Galore last consented to an on-the-record interview with any journalist. She is quite mysterious and, while she is seemingly everywhere, her whereabouts are often unknown. Private detectives (sometimes referred to as private dicks) struggle to catch her scent.

Luckily, Ms. Galore is a fan of my column. And, even more luckily, I caught a break. A friend tipped me off that Ms. Galore was in town this week visiting Hugh Hefner and staying at the Playboy Mansion. I was told Ms. Galore received word early that Tiger and Lindsey would be announcing their relationship on Facebook this week and Ms. Galore wanted the support of friends when the devastating news was made public.

Ms. Galore also wanted to make a public statement regarding the Tiger-Lindsey news. My timing was perfect. At her request, we met inside the infamous “Grotto” at Playboy Mansion.

Below is a full transcript of our conversation.

Whitlock: Ms. Galore, thank you for taking the time to sit down with me face to face. It is truly, truly an honor.

P. Galore: No problem, Jason. But, uh, could you back up a little bit and give me a little space. I’m a little uncomfortable with you sitting so close.

Whitlock: Oh, I’m sorry. I just wanted to make sure I could hear you with this water splashing around.

P. Galore: Our legs don’t have to touch for you to hear.

Whitlock: That's not my leg. I’m sorry. Again, I’m truly appreciative of you making this time. It’s very rare for you to grant interviews and talk about your work.

According to my research, the last time you granted an interview was 1991, when Wilt Chamberlain’s biography claimed he’d slept with 20,000 women. What was so special about the Big Dipper?

P. Galore: That nickname never did him justice. The Really Big Dipper was more accurate. He’s the only man I ever loved.

Whitlock: I can see. You’re getting emotional. Wilt held a special place in your heart?

P. Galore: And several other places.

Whitlock: Are there similarities between Tiger and Wilt? Are you in love with Tiger?

P. Galore: No. Tiger is a child. He’s a lost puppy. Wilt knew exactly who he was and never pretended to be anything else. Wilt wasn’t ashamed of his desires, his need for conquest, his love of a good time.

Tiger is a pleaser. He wants everyone to like him, to approve of his decisions. Tiger believes he can live a monogamous lifestyle. Or at least believes he should live a monogamous lifestyle. That is not a man I can love. That is a man I must teach a very hard lesson.

Whitlock: So you are at war with Tiger Woods?

P. Galore: I don’t make war, Jason. I make love.

Whitlock: OK, so you are determined to bring down Tiger’s relationship with Lindsey Vonn?

P. Galore: Tiger will bring it down himself. He is going against the nature of man. I don’t have to do anything. He will come to me in his moments of need.

I am the world’s Statue of Liberty, Jason. Give me your tired, your wealthy, your huddled masses yearning to live sexually free. The bulging fuse of your teeming underwear, send these, the fearless, tempest-tost to me. I lift my skirt behind the golden door!

 

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Whitlock: My country 'tis of thee. Sweet land of your liberties. Of thee I sing! Land where my condoms die. Land of the playa pride. From every stripper's backside, let freedom ring!

P. Galore: Jason, what you don’t understand is Tiger is choosing golf over me. He doesn’t believe he can win major championships unless he’s in a committed relationship. He thinks Elin is the reason he won all those major championships.

It was me, Jason. I worked on Tiger’s stroke. It wasn’t Hank Haney or Butch Harmon or his fake, stable home life. I taught Tiger how to use a 5-wood like a 9-iron. I gave him the motto “No Rough Too Tough.”

Whitlock: So you feel betrayed by his relationship with Lindsey?

P. Galore: Yes, I feel betrayed. But I blame Michael Jordan.

Whitlock: Jordan. What did he do?

P. Galore: Michael talked Tiger into this foolishness. Michael is getting remarried. He thinks getting married again will help the Bobcats win games. Michael hasn’t done (expletive) in basketball since he separated and then divorced Juanita.

The Bobcats are a disaster. Michael is embarrassed. He’ll do anything to win basketball games and repair his image. So he’s trying marriage again.

Whitlock: Well, can you blame them? It’s not a bad play. Look at Charles Barkley. He’s a super successful broadcaster now. His professional life and reputation have only improved as he’s gotten older. Through all of his controversies, even his drunk-driving-hummer arrest, Chuck never got divorced.

TIGER'S TALE

Look back at some of the women with whom Tiger Woods was linked to before his divorce.

P. Galore: I’m tired of being on the down low. Eff Ronald Isley, everybody has to know. I’m not going anywhere! You can’t hide from me. Bill Clinton couldn’t hide in the White House. Neither could John Kennedy. I caught Rick Pitino slipping at a crowded restaurant. You said it yourself years ago, Jason. The ’72 Dolphins can’t touch me. King Kong ain’t got (expletive) on me! They build Planned Parenthoods 'cause of me.

Whitlock: So you’re saying Tiger and Lindsey have no chance?

P. Galore: The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Does Lindsey look like Elin’s little sister? Will Tiger and Lindsey be spending a lot of time away from each other? Is Perkins restaurant still in business?

Everything is exactly the same. And the results will be different how and/or why?

Tagged: Tiger Woods

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