Carlos Hyde film is new Zapruder film

Local news rarely if ever disappoints. Even when, as is the case here, there’s a story of some importance for local news to cover. Did or did not starting Ohio State running back Carlos Hyde punch, hit or slap a girl at a club?

Thus far, stories have differed.

On Monday, Hyde was suspended from the team; the Columbus-Dispatch reported that he’d been dismissed, but that didn’t happen. On Tuesday afternoon, Yahoo’s Charles Robinson said that sources told him Hyde didn’t make any contact with the woman on the video and that authorities were unlikely to charge Hyde with any crime.

Wednesday night came the latest news in the Hyde case. Local Columbus NBC news reporter Mindy Drayer is on the case.

From her living room.

You have to watch this:

Yep, we’ve got an awkward local news video. Let’s break it down.

1. Why is she in her home?

She’s in Columbus, Ohio; was there such a rush that she couldn’t make it back to the studio for the report? How long does it take to drive from one part of Columbus to another? I have no idea how someone’s living room ended up being the scene of the report.

2. Was the diagram of Sugar Bar 2, where the alleged incident occurred, really necessary?

If it was, could no one have made an actual diagram at the news station?

Or used Star Wars figurines to reenact the club scene? Hyde is clearly Lando Calrissian, right?

As is, this looks like a really bad science project graphic from eighth grade. And, trust me, I know all about really bad science project graphics from eighth grade.

3. Why is the dog not outside for the news report?

At the very least, if you were going to do a live news broadcast from your home, wouldn’t you put the dog outside?

I’m sympathetic here, however, as my two boys have been featured on every sports radio station in the Southeast over the past five years. Basically, if I’m talking on the radio and the boys are here, there’s a 100 percent chance that one of them is going to have to poo and wants me to take them to the bathroom while I’m on live radio.

4. Yes, Mindy Drayer is married.

You perverts.

What, were you going to move to Columbus and woo her?

You think a woman who can whip up hot graphics like that club scene is going to stay on the market for long?

Hell to the no.

Somebody put a ring on that back when there was only one Sugar Bar in town.

6. Mindy Drayer has three rings on her right hand and an immaculate manicure.

This is the longest I have seen a local news report focus on someone’s fingers.

George Costanza would be proud.

7. The dog walks by in the background.

What’s more, it’s like the dog planned his appearance for the absolute climax of the news report.

Just as Mindy gets to the money shot at Sugar Bar 2, bang, the dog.

I love how the camera angle changes as you can almost see the camera guy thinking, "Oh, s—, that’s a dog that just walked by. I’m getting fired for this."

8. Drayer with the Zapruder-style analysis.

"He did make contact with her. Again, it was not a punch. As far as what I could tell … she was not knocked unconscious. He did make contact with his hand on her face."

Eventually this club video will end up on the Internet.

In the meantime, there are conflicting stories about whether Ohio State’s running back hit a girl in the face at a club.

The college football season kicks off in 35 days.