Copa del Rey

Auburn Hires Gunnery Sgt. to Help Chip Lindsey Beat Bama

Updated Mar. 5, 2020 1:11 a.m. ET

Fansided, Bobby Wesson/FanSided via Bama Hammer

Auburn hires Gunnery Sgt. Hartman to help train new OC Offensive Coordinator Chip Lindsey in hopes of beating Alabama.

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— notbobby (@noimnotbobby) January 24, 2017

Since the planets won’t align for another 18 years and Gus Malzahn spent his last Hail Mary prayer on a Grand Slam breakfast platter at the Waffle House, Auburn is resorting to drastic measures with their new OC Chip Lindsey in order to beat Alabama.

This latest desperate effort by Auburn includes enlisting the help of famed Gunnery Sgt. Hartman to whip their new Offensive Coordinator into shape. We caught up with the pair during a morning exercise in an exclusive Bama Hammer inside look.

GUNNY: WHAT’S YOUR NAME BUTTER HUFFER?!

CHIP: Sir my name is Ch-

John Reed-USA TODAY Sports

GUNNY: HOLY SHIT I BET WHEN YOU OPEN THE CAR DOOR IT LOOKS LIKE A CAN OF BISCUITS EXPLODING. WHY ARE YOU HERE FOR PILLSBURY?!

CHIP: Sir I’m here to beat Bama Sir!

GUNNY: YOU COULDN’T BEAT BAMA IF YOU TATTOOED IT ON YOUR PECKER AND LEFT IT IN AN ELEVATOR WITH RAY RICE. WHY ARE YOU REALLY HERE BEEF GOBLIN?!

CHIP: Sir I’m here to beat Ba-

GUNNY: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS ?!

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— notbobby (@noimnotbobby) January 24, 2017

CHIP: Sir…it’s a jelly doughnut Sir

GUNNY: YOU’RE SOFTER THAN 300 POUNDS OF MAYONNAISE WRAPPED IN A MARTHA STEWART LIVING MAGAZINE AND YOU’RE EATING JELLY DOUGHNUTS?!

CHIP: Sir *sniff* I was hungry Si-

GUNNY: YOU COULDN’T BE ANY MORE BITCHMADE IF YOU WERE MANUFACTURED ON THE SET OF “THE VIEW.” DOES ANYONE HERE THINK THIS HAMPLANET CAN BEAT BAMA?!

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— notbobby (@noimnotbobby) January 24, 2017

RECRUITS: SIR NO SIR!

CHIP: Sir Arizona was ranked 11th nationally in off-

GUNNY: ARIZONA RANKS 2ND ON THE LIST OF SHIT I DON’T CARE ABOUT RIGHT UNDER YOUR FEELINGS BUTTER MONSTER. YOU’RE MORE SENSITIVE THAN A SUNBURNED TAINT. THE ONLY REASON I HAVEN’T KICKED YOUR DEEP DISH ASS YET IS BECAUSE I’M AFRAID OF TRIGGERING HAMALANCHE COULD KILL YOU BEFORE BAMA GETS THE CHANCE!

CHIP: Sir I thought you were training me to beat Ba-

GUNNY: ROLL TIDE!

We’d like to thank Auburn University for this exclusive look inside their desperate measures to beat Alabama. Obviously this article is meant to be humorous, no gunny would get mixed up in Auburn’s mess.

Join us next week when we explore the lengths to which Barners will go to dress up that dumpster fire down on the plains. Let us know what you think about this latest desperate Auburn effort on Facebook or in the comments. Send all hate mail to @bragtop and I’ll post it in a story later with the rest of them. Roll Tide!