Watch the Bachelor/Bachelorette And Women Will Sleep With You
Want to sleep with more women?
Don't know how.
If you can’t do that (or refuse to do that), your only other option is to know the key players this season, and know them well enough to pretend you're watching.
Which is where I come in.
Lucky for you, I’ve created your handy Bachelorette All-Star Roster (see how I put that in sports terms for you? I am too good to you people) to study and reference before your next interaction with any females.
By the way, I don’t know why I’m even doing this for you guys. If y'all remember correctly, I was in your shoes not too long ago. Football season was upon us, and I suddenly had no idea how to interact with the opposite sex. If someone would’ve created a cheat sheet for me during football season, I would’ve been indebted to him forever. Instead, I had to fend for myself during that dark and lonely period. I wisely knew the best way to get a man’s attention was to incorporate some sort of football lingo into my daily vernacular; the problem was, HOW. I typically stuck to something like “So, this football game … is it over yet?” Or, if my prey was a tougher nut to crack, I’d try the more perceptive, thoughtful approach of, “Wow, I thoroughly enjoyed that last goal. I can’t wait for the next football match.” Or, if ever in a pinch or if time was of the essence, I’d just arbitrarily yell out “SPORTS!!!” (I am not endorsing any of these methods, girls, and I won’t be held responsible for the outcome if you try them out.)
See, lots of women fake football knowledge to be more attractive to men. You can do the same. Fake Bachelor/Bachelorette knowledge well enough and women will sleep with you.
That being said, here is what you need to know in order to have a meaningful conversation with your wife, girlfriend or potential love interest between the months of May and July:
Doug, 33, Real Estate Agent
The thing you need to know about Doug is that he gets REALLY annoyed when the other guys try to impress Emily with their "fancy vocabulary," meaning any word that can be found in a 4th grade level textbook or higher. Doug is so down to earth, man. Doug doesn’t do ostentatious, showy things like use correct grammar and stuff to woo Emily. Nah, brah. Doug is REAL. You will be able to recognize Doug immediately from his incessant use of the brain cell-murdering phrase, "Check yourself, Brah," his go-to line whenever one of the guys says something Doug doesn’t really understand, which is every time.
Tony, 31, Lumber Trader
Ryan is just your average dude with tiny baby ears and pointy hair. He’s not really that interesting or compelling or intelligent, but he has radioactive white teeth and dimples (HANDSOME) and the kind of socially-acceptable man boobs that you’re pretty sure he could make dance up and down with the effortless flexing of his pectoral muscles (HOURS OF ENDLESS ENTERTAINMENT FOR YOU BOTH), so Emily is into him, obviously. I’m including him here because he works in SPORTS and used to play SPORTS. Another SPORTS connection, guys. A comforting thought you can reference whenever you find yourself in the living room with your girlfriend watching as a few dozen full grown men lather on coconut oil and hair gel and strut their shiny, hairless bods around on your TV screen.