The Hater's Guide to the World Cup For Lazy Americans
The 2014 World Cup is here which means it's now fashionable to hate other countries. Or at least allowable. Yeah, yeah, I know that everyone claims the World Cup brings us together for a global symphonic medley of "We are the World," but really, let's be honest, it's also a great excuse to hate other countries that are trying to beat you in soccer. Particularly the countries that screw us in every World Cup despite the fact that we continue to give them malaria nets to protect their people from mosquitoes. (Yeah, I'm looking right at you Ghana, don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about).
Let's be honest, the United States is the most loved and hated team in the World Cup. Often, just like your marriage, simultaneously. And we're really hated by FIFA officials who you know will work their damnedest to screw us in every game. Plus, every now and then it's fun to live up to the stereotype of the ugly American walking around the Louvre in flip-flops, jorts, and your two time World War champs tank-top while swilling from an open wine bottle, which you stole off a street vender outside Notre Dame.
So that's why Outkick's hater's guide is a perfect way to welcome the 2014 World Cup.
The problem is that we Americans are lazy and hardly know any geography outside our own country. So I decided to do the hard work for you and give a handy guide on why you should hate the 31 other countries that comprise the World Cup this year. And by "do the hard work," I mean type on a computer screen without doing any actual research myself.
So it's possible that my reasons to hate a country make no sense or are inaccurate.
But, who cares, in the spirit of global hate, it's Outkick's hater's guide to the World Cup.
Australia is a former penal colony. (Despite the fact that you're giggling a bit, a penal colony has nothing to do with a penis). This means that every Australian is descended from people that Britain decided were so dangerous they couldn't even be kept in the same hemisphere with everyone else. Plus, did you know that Australia was once mostly a virgin continent inhabited by giant kangaroos? And then do you know what those rotten Aussies did? They killed all the giant kangaroos!
You want your kids to hate Australia forever? Just tell them this. They killed the giant kangaroos.
The women of Iran are not allowed to watch their soccer team play in person. And there's currently a controversy in the country over whether or not women are wearing too sexy of veils. Plus, they're trying to build a nuclear bomb to destroy the world.
As if that wasn't enough this is the only country in the world where it's considered a measure of progress when one of their leaders admits that the holocaust actually happened.
Seriously, they were praised for this.
Are we just supposed to forget that they sneak attacked us? What would happen if we beat Japan in the World Cup and Clint Dempsey scored a winning goal and said, "That was for Pearl Harbor, bitches."
Would this be an international controversy or the funniest trash talk ever? I'm going with both.
You know that creepy guy in your office who likes the online porn that makes you really uncomfortable? Yeah, that's the entire country of Japan. At some point the Japanese soccer team is going to come out wearing their new uniforms: Slutty Hello Kitty.
Did you know that there's an ongoing controversy over whether or not Japan will apologize for making the women of Korea sex slaves during World War II? This is a real story.
These two countries really hate each other. Because they made grandma a sex slave.
There are lots of weird things that go on in South Korea, but, honestly, North Korea is so weird that no one even pays attention to South Korea.
I'm going to be honest with you guys, I don't know anything at all about Algeria. I'm not even sure I can put it on the right continent.
Moving right along.
The only thing I know about Ghana is that they f--- us every year in the World Cup. I hate these mother-------.
This African country is located on the Ivory Coast.
Once a monkey stole the crown of Cameroon's king and as a result every monkey in Cameroon was slaughtered. But they still couldn't find the crown. Which is still missing.
If you find the king's crown then no matter where you are born in the world you become Cameroon's king.
(Note: all of this is made up. I don't know anything about Cameroon).
Nigeria is the most populous country in Africa. Which means it has the most screwed people in all of Africa. There is also a presently rising tide of Muslim fundamentalism. Boy, does this place sound fun.
This is that place you thought you were going on Spring Break, but then you actually ended up in Cancun.
Last winter, my wife and I told my mother-in-law that we wanted to spend Christmas in Hawaii and let her take care of the vacation planning. Instead of Christmas in Hawaii she booked us for New Year's in Honduras, which meant I couldn't go because, you know, that's RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF BOWL SEASON AND I HAD TO WORK.
So I did research on Honduras. Turns out, Honduras has the highest murder rate in the world.
My family survived.
But yours probably won't if they go to Honduras.
We've been kicking Mexico's ass since Santa Ana dressed up like a woman and tried to escape his ass-kicking at the Battle of San Jacinto.
The only reason Mexico's even in the World Cup is because we carried their broke ass team here.
How bad is Mexico? When Mexicans get to El Paso, Texas, they kiss the ground.
I know two things about Argentina:
1. When they escaped from Germany at the end of World War II, many Nazis fled to Argentina and were safe there.
2. Lionel Messi is from Argentina, but Argentinians don't like Messi because he isn't Argentinian enough.
I'm sick of hearing about how awesome Brazil is in soccer. You know what Brazil isn't awesome in? Everything else. Congratulations, while the rest of the world was putting in electricity, you spent your time focusing on dribbling a soccer ball made out of cow testicles.
I mean, I've tried for a long time for this not to be case, but every time I see the word Chile, I think about eating chili.
The entire country exists to make cocaine.
Which, to be fair, is better than what Colombia existed to do before cocaine was cultivated -- grow bananas.
Ecuador is most famous for inventing the ceiling fan.
This is not true.
But you believed it.
Moving right along.
I always get Uruguay and Paraguay confused. One of these countries is going to have to change its name.
I nominate Uraguay because if you read it really fast it looks like shorthand for u r gay. (Little known fact: "U r gay," is the state seal of Alabama.)
The entire country exists to make waffles.
Also, how are you located in Europe and yet you've never done anything throughout recorded history? Seriously, what has Belgium ever done except make waffles? Do they even have local history text books?
Bosnia and Herzegovina
I'll never forgive these bastards for turning Anderson Cooper's hair white before its time.
You remember that, right, when Anderson Cooper was crawling along on the ground dodging missiles and there was some war going on that Channel One was covering?
I still have no idea what that war was about.
Every few years produces an NBA player. The rest of the time it doesn't really exist.
What America would be like if none of our ancestors had the balls to cross the Atlantic.
That is, a country made up of ninnies.
The only country on this list who welcomed the Nazis when they conquered their country. Honestly, making fun of France is too easy. So let's just leave it with this -- Texas is bigger than France.
The entire country believed they were the master race seventy years ago.
Seventy. Years. Ago.
And we're just supposed to forget about this?
They started two World Wars that caused the death of hundreds of millions of people. Either tried to kill or did kill your grandpa. But all's forgiven now, they have rustic beer gardens!
I hate these bastards.
And so should you.
Peaked over two thousand years ago. Since this time has been trying to reclaim their past glory.
The entire country is bankrupt.
The Romans gave us democracy, roads, stunning works of art and many ancient texts that continue to illuminate modern life. Then came the Renaissance. My how Italy flourished!
Modern day Italy has given us pizza and spaghetti.
That's what you call a cultural decline. (And I'm even having to define pizza broadly).
A mostly flooded country filled with windmills, prostitutes, and hallucinogenic mushrooms.
So, yeah, it's pretty awesome.
I can't even hate this country.
The only thing I know about Portugal is that Cristiano Ronaldo is from here.
This is probably more than most of you know about Portugal.
Currently embroiled in a semi-war with a breakaway republic that doesn't want to be part of Russia. Rinse and repeat for the past thousand years.
Also, despite the fact that she plays a Russian on television, Keri Russell is not actually from Russia.
Discovered America thanks to Christopher Columbus.
Is presently debating whether to join the globalized world or continue to take mid-day naps while everyone else works. (Note: this is a real debate in the country).
The only country on this list that is hoping for a tie.
Perpetually unaligned except they are in favor of hiding rich people's assets.