The Bachelorette Contestant Guide
I was conflicted about ABC’s decision to make Andi the Bachelorette. In the beginning she was one of my favorites. She didn’t put up with the drama, she was smart and seemed to have her act together, her dad’s name in Spanish is HOLA! She’s also from my hometown. But then she had the infamous never ending walk up a driveway to explain what the word default means and prove that women pick a fight over EVERYTHING instead of just saying deuces you douche. (This conversation is in my top 10 Bach arguments of all time. Jake and Vienna are up there, as well as Clare & Nikki’s “How Hookers Fight, Probably" from Juan Pablo's season.)
What am I more conflicted about than Andi as The Bachelorette? How ABC managed to find a group of guys whose sexuality I seriously question. Gay guys are my favorite, but their presence on the Bachelorette makes it too easy to choose the dudes most likely to make it 'til the end.
So now that we're 5 episodes into the season and we've culled the herd, let's talk about what you need to know about these guys so you can fake your way through this season with your significant other or, for the single guys, have something to talk to women about. Also, I’m not comparing all of these guys because 1. the 85% doesn’t like/know how to read that much 2. I don’t have the time to analyze someone going home night one and 3. I do what I want.
Andrew as Rich Ohrnberger
This is kind of a stretch, but Ohrnberger is the male version of Chrissy Teigen on Twitter. Andrew is a social media marketer and obviously understands the potential of being a witty asshole. Andy claims to be “mysterious” and Rich’s got that on lock down. I’ve been googling away and cannot figure out what Rich's relationship status is. Maybe Drew can help Bergs create a Facebook profile so the ladies of the world can better stalk him. Seriously, if you only follow one person this season, make it #74.
Marquel as Bo Pelini with the Cat at the Spring Game
This was easy. Marquel is wearing a SILK sports coat with a Pocket Square with a V-neck tee underneath that shows a slight bit of his chest tat. The chest tat alone almost led me to choose AJ McCarron, but some meatier meathead’s going to come along and I need to have AJ in my reserves. Why the cat? Marquel’s normal Saturday Night consists of Netflix, cookies, and a glass of wine. Yes, I realize this is in all actuality most people’s Saturday night, but when trying to find a wife you might want to embellish a little bit at first.
Cody as Joe Fauria
Do you even lift, bro? Cody is a personal trainer, because OF COURSE HE IS. A personal trainer who lists his favorite movie as Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Seems believable. Joe is one of the ultimate meatheads in the NFL right now. Ultimate. When asked if he has tattoos he said, “you don’t put bumper stickers on a Mercedes :).” Yes, he ended that sentence with an emoji. He does have some X-factor quality that makes you hold out hope that one day he’ll finally “get it.”
Chris as John “Finchmachine” Finch
Chris is one of two of my frontrunners. He seems like a dreamboat with a fantastic set of locks. These two are low key and grew up with great Midwestern values. Can you ask for anything more, ladies? These two are a match made in Bach comparison heaven. Both are confident enough to openly admit that accidental diarrhea is their biggest date fear but understand there is a fine line between confidence and arrogance. They will keep you laughing, are romantic, and oh man the manners? Move over Emily Post. Chris is a farmer in Iowa, Finch was a long snapper at Purdue, and these are the most under-appreciated occupations in modern society. Thankless but necessary. I adore these guys and you should too.
Josh M. as Aaron Murray
Here is front runner number two. As if I had a choice to pick anyone else to compare him to. Drunk girls in the back of Bourbon St. in Athens can’t tell these two apart if their lives depended on it. I would be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy watching these “OMG, it’s our quarterback” conversations take place. I know both of these goons. The first time I met Josh, which he claims to not remember, I told him something along the lines that he was “a total Florida douche,” because I’m a nice lady. Fast forward four years, we all have mutual friends and run into each other frequently and Josh is one of the nicest people I know. Do I think he could reel in the hair gel usage? Duh. Other than that though, he’s pretty great. He loves his family, has one hell of an athletic gene pool, and treats girls like queens. He’s going to go far. Book it.
JJ as Andrew Luck
JJ is the PANTSAPRENEUR. JJ and Andrew both went to Stanford and are both exceling at what they do. JJ also played football in college. He’s clearly intelligent enough to get into Stanford B-school, but then says Alice in Wonderland is his favorite movie. I’m interested to see what edit he gets. He seems like he could be a guy you want to have around, and he’s also attractive and 6’5’…win win.
Patrick as Carson Wiggs
Two Colts in a row? Yeah, I know. Patrick played soccer professionally. Wiggy Bank is an NFL kicker. We all know most kickers in America also exceled in little league soccer. These two are both as adorable as can be. They are the stand-up "guy next door." But when Patrick says his favorite holiday is Halloween, you know there’s way more to this sweet guy than meets the eye. Kickers are quirky, and I hope Bach producers show us ALL OF THE QUIRKY.
Brian as Tim Tebow
Brian is a basketball coach; Timmy T loves the kids. Perfect. Brian is funny enough to list Heavyweights as one of his favorite movies, while also listing The Notebook. That means he’s not afraid to get emotional, and we’ve all seen Tim cry after a beat down from my Alma Mater. These two are the kind of guy every dad DREAMS of their daughter bringing home, but does this ever seem to happen? No. Brian will be our nice guy who doesn’t win of this season. Or the Sean Lowe of Emily’s season.
Nick V. as Tony Romo
Nick V. is the oldest guy in the house, he’s got to close a deal (read: go to a super bowl) double asaps or his mother/Jerry Jones is going to get him a one way ticket to the moon. The most romantic gift he’s ever received? A book filled with the 100 reasons why they love him. Tony could only dream of Jerry giving him such a gift. These two both have targets on their backs this season. Y’all this is hard; I was raised a Cowboys fan. Nick’s going to go far and then fail to close the deal, or do something dumb like draft an OT in the 1st round when you have the worst defense in the league, or pass on JFF solely based on marketing possibilities. Just wait. They kind of look alike too.
Marcus as Richie Incognito
I know, I know y’all are all, "what the hell?" Trust. Back in April I got to interview Richie. I had the same thoughts going into it as most of America, and I was wrong. SO VERY VERY WRONG. Hands down, Richie is one of the nicest, most hilarious people I have ever talked to. Seriously. Why am I comparing the two? Because Marcus just looks like he would be a total douche. Richie doesn’t, because dimples (lady killer), BUT here’s my point, I think Marcus looks like a twat and I think I’m going to be totally wrong about him. He says he isn’t the party starter but knows how to have a good time. That’s Richie... he doesn’t start the party usually, but hell if there is one, why not join? Ironically, these two both have the same dream date, minus the island part. Yes, I asked Richie what his dream date would be. Hopefully Marcus doesn’t suck.
Dylan as Tom Brady
I couldn’t think of anyone for Dylan. Seriously. He’s just kind of there, like you don’t hear anything bad about him, but you also don’t hear anything good. He’s like a Pi Phi. No harm no foul. In his bio he says he wants to be Tom Brady for a day if he could be anyone. This is under the same category as grown men wearing football jerseys. Awkward, creepy, and just don’t do it. Tom Brady attempting to get high fives from his teammates who don’t care is almost as uncomfortable as Dylan’s Night at the Roxbury hair. I’m sure he means well. Best of luck, pal.
As always you can follow @cippywallace for live tweeting of every episode and of course a bitchy recap the next day. Bring on the wine, hairdresser, bartender, pantsapreneur, wedding planning consultant, and all of the other jobs Andi’s dad will not approve of.