Super Bowl 47 Drinking Game
1. Every time a Harbaugh parent is shown on television, drink.
This may be enough to do you in by itself.
2. Ray Lewis is a murderer.
When killer Ray Lewis praises God, drink to the count of eight. This is how many illegitimate children Lewis has.
3. When Jim Nantz somberly mentions Hurricane Katrina, drink.
If Nantz does so while speaking a French word or phrase, do a shot.
4. Did you know that the Harbaugh's sister is married to Indiana coach Tom Crean?
Drink every time this is mentioned.
5. According to Phil Simms, Phil Simms is the greatest quarterback to ever live.
When Simms analyzes a quarterback error and his clear intent is to make you certain that he would have never made that mistake himself, drink.
6. If someone at your Super Bowl party brings up Manti Te'o, his fake girlfriend, or anything related to the Te'o imbroglio, drink.
If anyone can explain why Te'o needs an apostrophe 'o, he or she may assign shots to a party-goer of his or her choice.
7. When Alex Smith is shown on the sideline, drink.
If Alex Smith is shown on the sideline while the "gutsy' decision to replace him is discussed, drink until Phil Simms praises himself.
8. You may publicly challenge anyone at your Super Bowl party to spell Colin Kaepernick's last name.
If that individual fails at the spelling, they have to do the Ray Lewis dance in front of everyone while holding a fake bloody knife.
But if they correctly spell the name, you have to do the Ray Lewis dance in front of everyone while holding a fake bloody knife.
9. When CBS promos other shows by showing their stars sitting in the Super Bowl crowd, drink.
If that "star" is Uncle Verne Lundquist, you make stop drinking, the game is over.
10. Every time there is an animal in a television advertisement, drink.
If the advertisement only features animals and no humans, do a shot.
11. Whenever someone points out Joe Flacco's eyebrows, drink.
I'm not sure who will be the first terrorist to blow up a nuclear warhead, but I'm 100% certain his eyebrows will look exactly like Joe Flacco's.
12. If at any point a man or woman pauses the DVR to look at Beyonce or Kate Upton's boobs, drink.
If no one pauses the DVR to look at Beyonce or Kate Upton's boobs, everyone has to do a shot for sucking.
13. Every time the phrases "read option," or "pistol formation," are used, drink.
If both are used in the same sentence, then you have to drink to a count of four in honor of how many baby mommas Ray Lewis has.
Every time that Akers comes out for a field goal, your host must pretend to be Chris Berman and refer to him as David "Forty" Akers "and a mule." If the host can't make anyone laugh doing this, he has to drink for 9 seconds. That's how long Flacco's touchdown pass at the end of the Broncos game was in the air.
15. If CBS promos one of its CSI or NCIS shows, every girl has to lay down on the floor and drink as if you are a dead hooker.
According to CBS, the only people ever murdered are hot hookers.
16. If Johnny Manziel is mentioned, everyone has to do a shot.
If Johnny Manziel is shown on television and Katherine Webb is sitting next to him, the game is over.
You can play along on Twitter at #cbsdrink