Kentucky Fan Sings Worst Song In Internet History
Our countdown of the ten dumbest fan bases in America has been stalled by my travel and the sudden NCAA investigation of Johnny Manziel.
But that doesn't mean that we've suddenly stoppped paying attention to ridiculous fans.
Which is why when several of you started sending us this Kentucky fan's video on Twitter we were so giddy.
It's real and spectacular.
Without further ado meet Joe Shroer and his magical song, "I bleed Big Blue."
This is amazing in all respects.
How awkward is this video, let me count the ways:
1. This Kentucky jacket was made for a kid in 1988.
Yet Joe Shroer is not going to let that stop him from wearing it over his gym class outfit from 1964.
2. There is way too much inner thigh going on here.
As a general rule for all humans: Once you pass the age of forty, no one wants to see your inner thighs.
As a definite rule for men, no one ever wants to see your inner thighs no matter what age you are.
Once he starts rocking on the rocking chair I really thought a testicle might fall out of his shorts.
3. Why are his pasty legs and thighs so hairless?
It makes the thighs even more noticeable, they're hypnotic, I can't look away.
And neither can you.
4. The Big Blue cover draped over the outdoor table.
This is key.
Because without the big blue cover we might be unclear how big of a Kentucky fan this guy is.
But with the cover draped on the outdoor table?
5. About forty seconds into the song we get a Kentucky toboggan shake with the right hand.
You can't teach this kind of musical charisma.
Singing and moving his arm at the same time?
All he needs is a big blue tambourine.
6. The shout-out to the family members who think he's crazy.
Not just Richard but his nephew too?
You know the family member's heard their name and they were like, "Did you have to put us in there too?"
7. What happened to your gym teacher from elementary school?
He's right here.
8. "Oh, I'm a big blue fan in the morning," may be the worst hook in musical history.
Actually, there's a geniuine debate here. Which is worse, this or an Arkansas fan's rendition of "I'm a Beliemer."
9. If Larry David had grown up in Kentucky and never learned how to read, this is what would have become of him.
See, literacy is important, kids.
10. The high socks.
No way this guy's shins are getting frostbit..
11. There are multiple angles.
Because whoever was filming this was thinking, we need a side angle to really bring home the majesty of this song.
Just straight ahead for the entire thing, no way, that's not doing it all justice.
Honestly, I can't get past the idea someone edited this video and thought, "Oh, yeah, this is awesome!"
12. At the 2:20 mark of the video, our hero suddenly stands from the rocking chair for the grand finale.
I'll confess, I lost it.
Then he struts off the stage like he just performed at the Grammys.
Go back and watch, there's a contemptuous look as well.
Okay, who ya got for worst song of 2013, the Kentucky fan or the Arkansas fan?
This is an epic battle.