John L. Smith's New Arkansas Contract Has Interesting Stipulations
*We = the author and her co-worker/source/true author who would like to remain anonymous (“Deep Throat”).
This Employment Agreement (the “Agreement”) is made and entered into this 23rd day of April, 2012, by and between John L. Smith (“Employee”), and The University of Arkansas (the University”).
This Agreement is made and entered into under the following circumstances:
Whereas, this literally could not have happened at a worse time for the University; and
Whereas, the University could not find anyone better than Employee; and
Whereas, the University desires to put this entire ordeal behind it as quickly as possible and avoid any further embarrassment off the field, even if that means sacrificing a year of football when the University has one of its best teams in a while; and
Whereas, Employee spent three months at Weber State and realizes their FCS football program is horrible and desires to get one last crack at an FBS head coaching position in the hopes that he can convince the University to remove the interim tag from his title or convince a competing FBS university to hire him.
NOW, THEREFORE, in consideration of the foregoing recitals, and of the promises, covenants, terms, and conditions contained herein, the parties hereto agree as follows:
1. Compensation. The University shall pay Employee a salary in the amount of Eight Hundred Fifty Thousand and No/100 Dollars ($850,000.00), a sum sufficient to buy off approximately forty-two and one-half (42.5) disgruntled lovers.
2. Term. Subject to earlier termination by the University, the University hereby employs Employee, and Employee hereby accepts employment with the University as INTERIM head football coach for a period commencing on the Effective Date of this Agreement and terminating at the end of the 2012 College Football Season, presumably following a heart-breaking defeat in the Music City Bowl to end what will forever be known as one of the most disappointing seasons in Arkansas football history.
3. Bill Stewart Clause. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES WHATSOEVER shall the term of this Agreement be extended. In the unlikely event that Employee leads a successful campaign in the 2012 College Football Season, Employee hereby acknowledges that it will solely be the result of the fact that he inherited a stacked team from Coach BMFP and that such successful season will in no way be the result of the efforts of Employee. Even in the event that Employee leads the football team to a BCS bowl game victory and endears himself to the University’s fan base, University will not fall into the trap and mistakenly extend the term of this Agreement. University reserves the right to waive this Bill Stewart Clause in the event that Employee leads the team to a BCS National Championship.
4. Transportation. Employee will be supplied with 2008 Dodge Stratus, of a color to be selected by the University. Employee is free to purchase additional modes of transportation for himself, provided, however, that under no circumstances shall Employee purchase, borrow, or operate any two-wheeled or three-wheeled vehicles, convertible top vehicles, or vehicles with removable doors. See Examples of Banned Transportation attached hereto as Exhibit A In the event of a disagreement over the meaning of this clause, the University will present Employee’s proposed vehicle to a panel of sorority girls to be selected by the University. In the event that the sorority girls determine that the proposed vehicle is “hot,” Employee will be prohibited from operating said vehicle.
5. Cellular Phone; Technology. The University will provide Employee with the cellular phone depicted in Exhibit B hereto. Under no circumstances is Employee permitted to own, borrow or use a cellular phone, or any other wireless device, with texting or imaging capabilities. Employee shall not be permitted to own a camera of any kind. Employee shall only be permitted to maintain a University-issued email address, which the University is permitted to monitor at all times, and shall provide his spouse with the login and password for said account. Employee shall not participate in any social networks, including, but not limited to, MySpace, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, LinkedIn, AOL Instant Messenger, Yahoo Messenger,eharmony.com, match.com, jdate.com, christianmingle.com, Craig’s List, PayPal, YouTube, Google+, Draw Something, Words with Friends, Pinterest, and theknot.com.
6. Drug Testing. Employee shall submit to monthly drug tests. Any traces of Viagra found in the blood stream of Employee shall be grounds for termination.
7. Check Deposit; Financial Covenants. All pay checks of Employee shall be deposited directly into a checking account to be maintained by Employee’s wife. Employee is prohibited from maintaining his own separate checking and/or savings accounts. Employee is prohibited from carrying more than $200 in cash on his person at any time and is never permitted to carry one dollar bills. Moreover, Employee shall not spend any money, personal or otherwise, at Victoria’s Secret, Bath and Body Works, Forever 21, or Claire's.
8. Chaperone Clause. Employee shall be accompanied by his wife at all times. In the event that Employee’s wife is unable to accompany Employee at any time, Employee’s daughter shall accompany Employee. In the event that employee’s daughter is also unable to accompany Employee, Employee must notify the University administration immediately and the University will appoint a suitable lesbian to accompany Employee and monitor his behavior.
9. Athletic Events. Employee is expressly prohibited from attending ANY University women’s athletic events, expressly including, but not limited to, women’s volleyball matches. Employee must maintain a distance of no less than 1000 feet from the University’s natatorium at all times. Employee is encouraged to attend University male athletic events.
10. Hiring Policies. Under no circumstances shall Employee hire someone Employee has had sexual relations with, even if Employee is related to such individual.
11. Maintenance. Employee agrees to return the University’s football team to the University at the end of the term of this Agreement in substantially the same condition as it was when Employee was hired, normal wear and tear excepted.
12. Monogamy Bonus. In the event that Employee manages to only have sexual relations with his wife throughout the term of this contract, Employee shall receive a bonus of One Million and No/100 Dollars ($1,000,000.00).
13. Friendships. Employee shall not maintain a friendship with any person in a position of authority other than his Lord and members of the University’s Athletic Department. Employee is permitted to speak to a police officer only if Employee is pulled over for driving under the speed limit or if Employee sees BMFP on the University campus.
14. Governing Law. The validity, interpretation and performance of this Agreement shall be governed by the laws of the State of Arkansas and the principles of Christianity without giving effect to the principles of comity or conflicts of laws thereof.
15. Representations and Warranties. Employee hereby represents and warrants to the University that Employee (i) is not a volleyball fan, (ii) is not currently involved in an extra-marital affair, (iii) has never met Jessica Dorrell, (iv) has never met Monica Lewinsky, (v) is not attracted to younger women, (vi) is not attracted to younger men, (vii) is not attracted to anyone, (viii) currently has a pulse.
IN WITNESS WHEREOF, the undersigned have hereunto set their hands on the date first written above.
John L. Smith
The University of Arkansas
Name: Jeff Long
Its: Athletic Director…for now