Jameis Winston Steals Crab Legs; Tallahassee Police are on the Case
Jameis Winston was cited for stealing crab legs at Publix. The Tallahassee police department is on the case. (Even though the crime happened in Leon County). That's why Outkick was happy to reach out to the Tallahassee Police Department for an official comment on their investigation into this shellfish act.
Here was their statement to Outkick:
"We, the Tallahassee police department, are incredibly troubled by this allegation and we will take it very seriously. And by "very seriously," I mean that we intend to pretend that nothing at all happened. While doing the Seminole chant in the parking lot of our police department.
You think they're going to let us dress up as Chief Osceola and plant the spear at midfield if we investigate the Heisman-trophy winning quarterback for a crime?
Here's the deal, people steal crabs every day. Some of those crabs are edible and some of them hide alongside your genitals. It's not our responsibility to investigate every potential case of crabs, okay? Sometimes people scream, "Crabs," in a crowded movie theater and there's nothing to it. Other times people just sleep with Chris Weinke. We can't go around investigating every potential crime that involves people who are good at football. If we did that, we'd have no time to focus on other important things, like students who have really loud music at off-campus parties.
Sure, we could go look at the grocery store video to see whether or not the crabs were stolen, but everybody knows that if you wait long enough evidence gets destroyed. You think this is our first football investigation? Plus, when we asked the crab legs if they wanted to press charges, they were totally uncooperative, just silent. You know, this is a football town, who you gonna believe, a crab leg that can't talk, or a star football player.
So, anyway, as you can see, we're working this case diligently.
Here's our suspect list along with the lead detective's rationale for why we think they may be to blame:
1. The crab legs
"All I'm saying is this, these crab legs spent an awful lot of time hanging around with the athletes. Bit suspicious if you ask me." Coughs, "Cleat," cough, "chasers."
2. The Publix seafood stocker
"Have y'all considered the fact that some Florida Gator fans work in Publix? Pretty convenient, don't you think. We believe it's highly probable that someone forced the crabs into Jameis's pants and then forced him to walk outside with crabs in his pants. He was set-up by the Florida Gators. It's plain as day."
3. Jacob Coker
"Once you leave Florida State to play somewhere else, you can better believe we've got our eyes on you, son. Where was Jacob Coker when these crab legs disappeared? Does he have an alibi? Tuscaloosa? Yeah, right. Dirty rotten bastard."
4. The girl that Jameis (allegedly) raped.
"Oftentimes it's the policy of the Tallahassee police department to actually treat the victim as if she's the criminal. We find this is a more even-handed way to investigate. And by 'even-handed way to investigate,' I mean, not charge the players and scare the actual victims."
5. Chris Casher
"Look, he already erased one video for Jameis. Why wouldn't he climb over the Publix counter and erase another one? A big part of our investigative policy is this, 'When in doubt, charge the worst player.'"
6. The alleged rape victim's lawyer
"Here's what I think happened. I think the alleged rape victim's lawyer has been following Jameis around for months. Just waiting for him to go to Publix and be near the crab legs. Then, bang, she runs up, forces the crab legs into his pants and then puts a gun to his back and makes him walk outside. Pretty cut and dried, really. She made a crime out of nothing."
7. Steve Spurrier
"Look, I don't know what Steve Spurrier has ever done, but I'm pretty confident we could get a Tallahassee jury to convict him of serial murder. Stealing crab legs is easy."
8. Ariel from the Little Mermaid
"That bitch has been given Sebastian the sideways stink eye for a long time. And she's got legs now. I'm just sayin'."
9. A walk-on football player
"We sent a walk-on to prison for life back in 1999. Don't ask, don't tell. He was happy to do it. Got a ring and everything."
10. Deion Sanders
"I don't like to talk about this, but when we get really desperate and we can't cover up the football player crimes, we just charge Deion. We have tried Deion for crimes 963 times. No jury will convict him. Doesn't matter the charge."