If you are a Southern man, there is a billion percent chance that one of the women in your life has uttered this phrase: "I wish we had a beach portrait."
When we were down at Destin for SEC spring meetings my mom uttered this phrase no less than fifteen times.
The beach family portrait is distinguished from a regular beach picture by a couple of significant factors:
1. It's choreographed and planned.
You don't just show up wearing what you happened to be wearing on the beach and end up taking a photo.
2. Women tell you what to wear.
In my beach photo men were instructed to be shoeless, wear blue jeans, and white button down dress shirts. Yes, I always wear jeans, no shoes, and white dress shirts on the beach, why are you asking?
So this isn't just a candid snapshot on the beach, it's a scheduled fashion shoot that's supposed to look real. The idea is something like Southern preppy meets beachcomber, "Oh, hello, look at that photographer who just happened to be here on the beach while our entire family was wearing perfectly matched clothes. I guess we should smile."
Chances are at least half of you reading this piece right now have been involved in the family beach portrait. And if you haven't been involved you've seen one of these pictures in a Southern family's home.
But what happens when an LSU husband/son-in-law is asked to pose in a family beach portrait full of Alabama fans?
Awkward family beach photos.
And this one is splendid.
I absolutely love this photo because it sums up the SEC perfectly.
Let's deconstruct my nine favorite things about this photo.
1. What's the familial relationship here?
My best guess from left to right: daughter, mom, son-in-law, dad, daughter, grandson, dad/son-in-law, granddaughter.
The only familial relationship that's really confusing to me is the girl on the far right. She could also be the unmarried daughter of the mom and dad. Basically, she could be anywhere between the ages of 16 and 26. (Yes, I know, that's a dangerous range.)
Otherwise, we've established the basic family dynamics, right?
2. The LSU fan doubles down in LSU gear.
I love this.
Not content with just wearing a t-shirt, he also rocks the LSU hat. Because, you know, without the hat, there could be some confusion about whether he supports Alabama or not.
3. Alabama fans insist on wearing Alabama gear in their family beach portraits.
I mean, this is pretty funny by itself, but it gets completely overshadowed by the LSU gear.
This makes my family beach portrait in jeans and a button down white t-shirt look downright stellar in comparison.
Are you really such a huge fan of Alabama that your family portrait has to be in Crimson Tide gear? I'm praying this picture ends up on the side of a van.
4. The women are all wearing houndstooth.
Did you know they sell houndstooth bra and panty sets at Alabama?
Seriously, they do.
Because it's every Alabama fan's dream to take off a woman's outer garments and have her dressed up like Bear Bryant.
5. Did the Bama fans surprise the LSU fan?
This would be great rivalry sabotage.
Don't tell the LSU family member what people are wearing -- in fact, make him show up in jeans and a button down white shirt -- and then, voila, the Tide rolls in.
6. The LSU fan is the only family member forced to kneel.
Did you watch the BCS title game?
7. The Alabama grandson already has Bama Bangs.
He's ten years old.
Why does he already have Bama Bangs?
Because if you're a preppy white male who reaches the age of 12 without Bama Bangs, you are executed.
8. Look at the way the mother-in-law has her hand on the LSU son-in-law.
At first glance this looks loving.
Upon closer inspection, I believe it's to keep her husband from placing his testicles on his son-in-law's head.
9. The LSU fan is wearing cargo shorts.
This is because he has important things to carry.
Left cargo pocket: handgun
Right cargo pocket: corndog
What did I miss? Add your observations below.
Caroline S., one of the women in the photo, was a not a fan. In fact, she says I'm going to hell for posting this:
"I don't know who you think you are but you are NOT funny!!! How dare you speak of my children the way you did in reference to my family photo. People like you disgust me. You have no idea who we are, what we have been through in life and what we have overcome. This photo means a lot to our entire family and you have no right to publicly announce your ridiculously uneducated opinions about it. You must be one super sad sick individual to find humor in moments that are special in people's lives. I actually feel really sorry that you are so pathetic. May the Lord have mercy on you cause your judgement day is going to BURN your bones!!!!!!"
I'll see y'all in hell.
In case you're wondering, I'll be the guy in the "Got 14" t-shirt.
At OKTC we ridicule all awkward fan photos equally.
Humor doesn't discriminate -- although it does feature Kentucky and Alabama fans at alarming frequency.