Twitter provides perspective that snowballs into inspiration. The other day I posed a question to the community; "What's the greatest form of degenerate sports gambling you've ever been involved in yourself or seen exhibited by friends?" Answers that came flooding in were as hysterical as they were appalling. There's a good chance a few of you may have a real gambling problem but I love you for the stories nonetheless. After much deliberation I decided that most of the responses were so off the wall they couldn't possibly be made up just for shock value. The end result of all the feedback led me to build the official gambling survey to quantify tiers of degenerate behavior.
Let me first preface all of this with the stance some of this may or may not be autobiographical. The quiz should take no more than 5-7 minutes to complete, after all we're not out to steal Cosmo's thunder at OKTC and getting five minutes of a bettor's attention span is a landmark achievement. I won't take full creative credit for this idea so once you finish the quiz scroll all the way to the bottom and you'll quickly see that misery loves company...if misery is pure gambling excellence from the masses.
The quiz is simple: there are five groups of degenerate behaviors, circle as many in each class that apply to you. As the absuridty of every action increases, so does the point value from 1 to 5. For those not privy to interacting with gamblers on a daily basis, it will quickly become apparent why the stakes get raised as you go deeper into the gambler's mind.
Give yourself 1 point for each of the following that apply
(Possible score of 15)
NFL College football Pro Basketball (any league) College Basketball College baseball or college hockey Professional baseball (any league) Professional hockey (any league) Soccer (any league) Auto Racing Horses Dogs Tennis Rugby (NRL, AFL, Union) Boxing UFC
Give yourself 2 points for each of the following that apply
(Possible score of 34)
Snooker Darts Elections Award Shows WWE Wrestling Table Tennis Volleyball Gymnastics Pope Any non mainstream Olympic sport (archery, high dive, synchronized swimming, etc) Cycling Handball Dow Jones Industrial Average Arena Football FHM’s Sexiest Woman or other beauty pageants WNBA Video Games
Give yourself 3 points for each of the following
(Possible score of 42)
High School Sports Little League World Series T-Ball (in any capacity) Coaching Changes Props National Anthem duration Coin flips Superbowl props involving anything not related to the game itself Pro Bowl NBA or NHL Skills Competition Homerun Derby Pigeon races Drinking games Weather Airplane arrivals or departures
Give yourself 4 pts for each of the following
(Possible score of 24)
Length of religious sermon Age of strippers Anything at a wedding…I mean anything (competitive eating, bridesmaids, crying during speeches, etc...you get the gist) Baby pools (naming, weight, due date) Color of cars in a parking lot Hermit crab, crawfish, or any race involving animals smaller than the palm of your hand
Give yourself 5 pts for each of the following (also please seek help if more than 3 apply)
(Possible score of 45)
Over/Under rings it takes for gambler’s anonymous to answer your phone call Anything having to do with bodily fluids (blood, urine, etc) Job hires or fires College acceptances Performance reviews Religious milestones Divorce pools Length of friend's relationships Special Olympics fantasy leagues (don’t ask)
Pick-up the phone, call the Gamblers Hotline immediately (Ace Rothstein - 8 Men Out)
Your sickness hasn't reached an epidemic yet but you're on the cusp of infecting others (Lester 'Worm' Murphy - Rounders)
There's still potential, it's time to push the envelope a bit and go outside the comfort zone to raise your game (John Anthony aka Brandon Lang - 2 For the Money)
Not sure why you're even taking this quiz, oddsmaking won't be in your future (Henry Gondorff - The Sting)
Marriage material right here; your spouse, significant other, or domestic partner has nothing to worry about with you (Vincent Lauria - The Color of Money)
For those interested in this sort of thing, Sweet 16 BEST BETS: Arizona +3.5 and Michigan +2
For your reading pleasure I leave you with the actual responses people had when asked about the depths of their degeneracy. To quote Terrell Owens, "Get ya popcorn ready!"