All That and a Bag of Mail: West Virginia Is Angry...Again
It's Friday and the mailbag is ready to go again.
By Clay Travis
It's Friday, which means you aren't working and are eagerly awaiting the debut of the mailbag so you can help to pass the day faster. I feel you.
So let's get right to it.
In case you aren't active on Twitter you might have missed the fact that West Virginia fans discovered Outkick's year old top ten dumbest fan bases ranking -- the Mountaineers were number eight -- and have spent the past four days threatening to slit my throat and throw my body into an abandoned coal mine. I ranked them eighth on the dumbest fan base list and this response a year after the article was posted honestly has me questioning everything about my rankings. It's entirely possible I gave West Virginia fans too much credit. Can there really be seven dumber fan bases in America? I don't think so.
Our beaver pelt traders of the week? Marshall fans. Because, good lord, I have no idea how guys live in the state of West Virginia with West Virginia fans.
On to the mailbag, where we start with the most inventive hate email I received.
Ty Reynolds email@example.com writes:
"I honestly don't know how you can continue to call yourself a human being after producing this vile piece of hate journalism. If one were to rank the top three most purely evil works of literature throughout the course of history, your article comes in right behind the Satanist's Bible and just before Mein Kempf. I would go as far as further comparing you to Hitler spewing his hatred, but that would be too insulting to the Nazis. No, you are more like a pervert sadist who finds joy in running over kittens with his riding lawnmower while you molest your neighbor's three-month-old daughter. That, of course, is only after you grew tiresome of burning down orphanages and eviscerating the survivors.
I would attempt to explain to you how ignorant and dehumanizing your article is, but I'm sure you are too preoccupied tearing the wings off of butterflies and fledgling bald eagles while you defecate into your Down Syndrome inflicted mother's waiting and eager mouth. I'm sure your father would disapprove if he wasn't busy being butt f----- by your obese brother while your whore sister films it in preparation for viewing at your family reunion next week. Unless, of course, your grandmother insists on watching footage of her getting gang banged by the entire graduating class of Doug's Mechanic's Institution for the fifth straight year. Let's here it for the Class of '45, Granny!!!!!
Instead of trying to change your obviously dimwitted, naive, and stereotypical views I simply offer a suggestion: The next time you get a hankering in that black husk you use to claim was your soul to put ink to paper concerning any topic, kindly ram a 12-inch, barbed-wire wrapped, custom made for comfort dildo up your self-righteous brown eye and clinch with all the power that Satan has supplied to your soon to be burning in hell ass can muster. If that still doesn't distract you from your perverse desires to insult a group of people that you aren't even properly suited to mention in one of your pseudo-journalistic pieces let alone describe, just do the right thing and place your worthless face on the most readily available train track so the rest of the world can be amused by your exploding cranium. I hope its a coal train that does you in motherfu----.
Only one last thing. LET'S GO MOUNTAINEERS, BITCH!!!!!"
I think it's fair to say he took things well.
One of the great things about the Internet is how people get offended by something and then write something much more offensive than the initial article to demonstrate how offended they are.
Again, I encourage all of you to make this your life's goal, when you offend someone say, "I'm offended that you're offended."
It throws the offended person for a total loop. Because they think that saying, "I'm offended," is like the ultimate trump card. They have no idea how to respond when you say that you're offended that they're offended.
Whatever follows this email is going to be let-down. But we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
I graduated from Alabama this past Saturday (Roll Tide). My question is, does this automatically exclude me from the 85%? I have two degrees (Construction Management and Business) and a good sense of humor when it comes to my school, unless it is an Auburn or Tennessee fan making the joke (excluding you because I know that you are in on the joke). However, when I get around a lot of other Alabama fans, sometimes the hive mentality creeps in and I can feel myself starting to lose my ability to spell and end a sentence without Roll Tide. Are these momentary lapses in judgment acceptable since I am an alumnus?
P.S. I have attached a picture from my graduation. A friend and I snuck onto the football practice field and got in some tackling practice while we were waiting for the processional to start.
You are now forever not a member of the 85%. Congratulations. Once you graduate from Alabama they should give you a diploma and a t-shirt that simply reads, "I am the 15%." You've hit upon a true danger, however, the Alabama fan base is like the reverse Manhattan project. Just as the goals of the Manhattan project -- put the smartest people on the same plan and reap the benefits of their collective intelligence -- indisputably works, the opposite is also true. Put together a group of Alabama fans and you can see the collective IQ plummet.
These lapses of judgment are acceptable so long as they stop short of you pulling your pants down and teabagging a passed out fan of another team. Or committing any other felony that could lead to jail time.
I have put a great deal of thought into this lately, and I can't help but think "what if men could have babies?" More importantly, what if men could have babies with other men? At this point you are probably asking yourself what sick SOB would be so interested in this....but there are two men in Cleveland that have led me to ponder this subject lately. What if Johnny Football and Lebron had a baby together in Cleveland? What if we were able to have a reality show documenting the whole thing? What would this prodigal son's life be? Could this lead to Cleveland possibly becoming its own country with this young lad being the future King? Clay- I'll let you take it from here...."
I love that you moved from what if men could have babies directly to fantasizing about Johnny Manziel and LeBron James having a baby together. So contemplation of the overwhelming societal impacts -- if men had babies paid paternity leave would last two years -- and biological impact -- the babies would arrive via the anus -- just goes by the wayside. This is like asking, "If we lived forever, how many points per game would Michael Jordan have averaged when he was 643?"
Who would carry the baby? I feel like LeBron is probably more nurturing than Manziel. So I'm guessing Manziel would be the baby daddy and LeBron would be the literal baby daddy/mommy. This child would certainly be advantaged for the next generation of male sexual offspring. He'd be smart, incredibly athletic, mixed race which means he'd appeal to everyone except for old white people who would claim they didn't like him because of his health care stance, probably lose his virginity at the age of six, potentially impregnate his first man/woman at eight, and his testosterone readings -- unequaled by anyone on the charts since Lance Armstrong was blood doping -- would likely lead to the state of Ohio seceding and declaring war upon everyone else.
The war declaration would be a public press conference where Manziel and LeBron's offspring would simply respond to every question by giving the money gesture and saying, "Come at me, bro."
Needless to say, I'm giddy at the possibility.
Anonymous female engineer writes:
I'm a female engineer that works in an office dominated by males. I understand that guys have to adjust every now and then, but one guy in the office takes it to the extreme. He grabs himself about every 5 minutes. It has now become a running joke in the office, but it can be a little uncomfortable when new people join the firm. How do we tell him to cut that crap out? I can't turn around when he comes to my desk because it is right at eye level.
Love the site and the coworkers and I read mailbag every Friday. You're my favorite gay Muslim!"
I suppose there's a theoretical situation where a man could have such a gigantic penis that it's impossible to work in an office and be comfortable with the placement of his massive genitalia and...upon second thought this is impossible. No man has ever been uncomfortable with the placement of his gigantic penis.
I will say this, as soon as you mentioned this guy readjusting himself, I had to readjust myself. I bet a solid quarter of male readers just did too. Readjusting your groin is like yawning, once you see one guy do it, it becomes contagious.
Couple of questions: Are you certain he doesn't have crabs? What if he has crabs and he's itching all the time, but he just thinks this is normal?
In all honesty, I'd have a couple of the guys at the office take him out for beers and then ask him why he touches his groin all the time. That's just weird. I feel like male engineers are probably the least socially aware people on earth -- "What, I wear my two cell phone holsters on my belt because they're practical!" and "Why would you have tube socks and not pull them all the way up with your shorts?" -- so he probably has no idea what's he doing. It's just a nervous habit he's developed to help deal with his crippling social anxiety. Only he's developing the most awkward means possible to deal with his crippling social anxiety.
If all else fails, create a graph and make it extremely practical for him. "Okay, William, the graph on the left is the number of times you touch your groin. The graph on the right is the amount of social anxiety you create when you do this" -- it's a constantly rising line -- "do you see a correlation?"
You could also create a William touches his groin tip jar that he has to pay in anytime someone sees him doing it in the office. This will make great office stories when the sexual harassment lawsuit is filed.
Plaintiff's attorney, strutting across the court room, rapidly pivots and -- dagger: "So you created a touching his groin penalty jar, didn't you?"
"Today I am quitting my job where I make a lot of money to go work with a radio station selling ads, writing, and helping with a sports talk show. It's a very small market, but I am thrilled about the opportunity. I am also however a little worried about the pay cut I am taking, but I will have a much better work schedule and be able to see my family every night and and put my kids in bed. My soon to be former co-workers think I'm crazy for leaving the salary, but I'm arguing being happy over money. Am I crazy for doing this?"
You're asking the guy who stopped practicing law to write an unsold book about SEC football games whether it's smart to pursue something you love rather than making a decision based on money? Hell, after writing every day for three years I'd made roughly $5000 in total pay. It was literally impossible for me to find any job in America that paid less for those three years.
Along the way I had a ton of ups and downs, became a gay Muslim, and worked my ass off to get to where I am today -- getting compared to Adolf Hitler by West Virginia fans. It's the American dream!
If I'd kept practicing law full time, my family would be fine from a financial perspective, but I'd be less happy. That's because just about every lawyer in America is trying to find a way to have enough money not to keep practicing law. My safety net was the law, I knew I wouldn't go hungry even if I couldn't make a living as a writer. Whatever you do, if you're decently trained, you have a safety net too. If you and your family are healthy, the stakes aren't really that high. You're not going to starve. (If you're single and you have no kids, good Lord, why are you such a wuss, take a risk and try the job you really want.) So what if your dream doesn't pan out from a financial perspective? You went for it. Most people aren't really willing to go for anything in life, that's why they tell the people who are that they're crazy. These people avoid risk, stand on the sideline, and pick on people who take the risks they're afraid to take.
Money's not overrated, but it should never be a goal. That is, if you're doing anything entirely for the money, I think you'll end up hating it.
C. Clinton Gabbert firstname.lastname@example.org writes:
"Who the f--- gave you a job?
West Virginia is one of the poorest, most uneducated, and obese states in the country. Those are facts. I went to WVU and now hate the vast majority WVU's fans and college sports as a whole. I understand why WVU fans suck, and, obviously, I am not angry with you sharing that opinion. I'm angry that someone who writes as terribly as you do gets paid to do so. I'm angry and saddened about the fact that you want attention and notoriety so badly, that you're willing to write a series of stupid, unfunny "articles" that serve no other purpose than to troll fan bases around the country.
Your grave will read "Here lies Travis Clay known only for being the biggest dickhead he could possibly be, his kids will feel a deep shame and sadness when they look back on their father's life's work"
QUIT YOUR JOB AND GIVE ALL YOUR MONEY TO POOR PEOPLE TO TRY TO MAKE UP FOR HOW MUCH AN UNBELIEVABLE TWAT YOU ARE"
Tell me this is not the greatest gravestone in the history of gravestones:
An Unbelievable Twat"
I mean, I think it surpasses Thomas Jefferson's.
"Here was buried Thomas Jefferson Author of the Declaration of American Independence of the Statute of Virginia for religious freedom & Father of the University of Virginia"
But was Jefferson an unbelievable twat? Certainly the fact that he had children with one of his slaves makes me think the answer is probably yes, but WE. DON'T. KNOW.
With me, there's no doubt.
Or at least with that ass Travis Clay. I hate him.
Sean D. writes:
I work for a global company with offices across the SEC/Big12 footprint and nationwide. What I'm noticing is an alarming increase in fall weddings going on within the SEC fanbase. In fact, many of my friends are getting married on the same weekends as rivalry games for their alma mater. (The first of these I witnessed was way back in 2001 when my college roommate got married on the Third Saturday in October. The guys all snuck up to the Hyatt hotel bar to watch the game).
My question: Don't you think a show about "SEC Weddings" would work on the network? They can show how the ladies get all into it and the guys wishing they could just go to the game instead. I have to think it might even cross demographics since you're tying it to football season. Your thoughts?"
A show about fall weddings that are taking place at the same time as SEC football games is pure genius. It would be incredible.
You know there was an Alabama wedding somewhere that was taking place during the Kick Six, can you imagine that footage? The characters would be fabulous, you start talking to the guys when the invitations go out -- can you imagine the average Southern Dad's reaction when his daughter picked THAT date? -- then as the season progresses and the game becomes bigger, you get the women who are inevitably trying to persuade the men that they need to grow up. "It's just a game," would be the wedding equivalent of "we're taking it one game at a time."
You've got hot bridesmaids making all sorts of hotel sex promises to get their boyfriends and husbands to come to the wedding instead of watching the game and making them go alone. Husband's negotiations, "All right, so you're saying you'll wear your heels and the new lingerie and promise me drunk sex, but here's the deal, will you also throw in a blow job to be named later? Because if I'm not getting the blow job to be named later, I'm not sure I can make this deal."
Actually, I think what we're learning here is that Outkick needs to just be given a programming window to come up with TV shows. I think we could kill it.
Kyle A. writes:
First let me start by crowning you the Bargument Czar, before you do it yourself, for settling all bar arguments. Next I have one I need you to settle:
Some colleagues/buddies and I from Nashville have been living in a hotel in New Jersey for the better part of a month, and one argument keeps coming up. We're staying right on the Hudson, just a six minute ferry to Manhattan. The argument is this: they contend that there is a higher percentage of attractive women here in NY/NJ than there is at home. I give them that there is a higher number, due to the size of the population, but there's no way the percentage is higher. I believe their perspective is skewed because our hotel is literally on a highly trafficked running path, and they work in NJ, and don't venture over to the city often. Obviously, the women working out are more likely to be attractive, and the fact that we're in a nice waterfront part of town, doesn't hurt. I work in midtown, and commute every day, so I feel I have a better feel on the average. I don't know how much time you've spent in the area, but your input is appreciated."
The women of New York City are gorgeous and since no one in New York gets married before they're thirty there are just so many more of them. It's the Sex and the City affect, so many young, smart college grads move to the city that there are way more women than men. So, while your buddy's observation point may be more inclined to see hot women than a regular office, I think he's not wrong.
Having said that, the only pro sports city with hotter women than Nashville is Miami.
Here's Outkick's 2014 hotness of the women in the city rankings on a per capita basis:
3. New York City
4. Los Angeles
5. Washington, D.C.
7. San Diego
10. New Orleans
"I can't get anyone to answer this question. Alas, I have turned to you. Are we ever going to see an ambidextrous QB that's equally as talented with both arms? If so, wouldn't this open up an entire new type of playbook for an offensive coordinator and be one of a defensive coordinators worst nightmares?"
Would an ambidextrous quarterback really be an advantage? I mean, he has to drop back to one side or the other, right? It's not like he's dropping back like a right armed quarterback and then throwing it with his left arm. I guess it could help, in theory, with protecting his blind side. So he could adjust which way he dropped based on where the best rush defensive end lined up. But does that really make that much of a difference?
Plus, it's like switch hitting, inevitably a hitter is better as a righty or a lefty. Inevitably you'd be better off with one arm than the other. Given how much the NFL puts a premium on arm strength, I can't imagine why you'd try and throw with an arm that wasn't as strong as another arm. So being ambidextrous wouldn't make any sense at all.