All That and a Bag of Mail: Manziel's Penis Lawsuit Edition
After the frivolous Johnny Manziel penis lawsuit and the Tennessee fraternity being suspended for putting hot sauce on pledges' genitals, I can barely muster the energy to write the mailbag today. I just want to keep reading all your Twitter responses to these amazing stories that offer further proof, as if we needed any, that Allah has favored Outkick with his good graces.
But like all great men, work beckons.
And so here we go with the mailbag.
Our beaver pelt trader of the week goes to you guys. We've had our two biggest days for unique visitors in site history both in the last three weeks: 273,649 unique visitors on the first day of the month and 250,933 unique visitors yesterday. You guys are sharing our stories like crazy and it's May, typically our slowest month of the season.
Can you imagine what Outkick's going to be like come football season?
It's like a runaway train over here. Now if we could just get the commenting section ironed out everything would be perfect.
So you guys are our beaver pelt traders of the week. Unless, that is, Johnny Manziel decides to respond to the latest lawsuit by Tweeting, "'Frivolous,' with a picture of a foot long hot dog in a bun." Then he wins beaver pelt trader of the week for the next month.
In the meantime, this Cleveland Browns fan has total faith in Johnny Manziel's penis. He can be an expert witness.
On to the mailbag:
I typically loathe conspiracy theories, but I will never believe that you didn't orchestrate the bogus Manziel lawsuit. Well done, sir."
I only wish I was this brilliant.
If one of you wants to sue Tim Tebow for sexual harassment on behalf of Mark May, I wouldn't object.
Cippy Wallace writes:
"Has a sexual harassment suit regarding emotional distress due to penis size ever led to NCAA investigation into improper benefits, and subsequently caused the demise of a program?"
But Barry Switzer doesn't like to talk about it.
"My wife and I are discussing the timing of our third child. The first two have been girls. While I love them dearly and wouldn't trade them for anything (right now at least-they're only 2 & 4. I hear the worst is yet to come), this is where I've got to get it right.
I need a boy.
We have another girl and I'm sure we'll keep trying for the boy. Then one day I'll wake up and be that dad at the mall outside Victoria Secret wearing a pink shirt handing his wallet to his wife so she can pay for all 6 girls new bras.
Please don't let this happen to me. Teach me how you continue to produce boys.
I'd prefer to remain anonymous in case my football loving wife reads the mailbag this week and discovers my secret plot."
There are all sorts of strategies to make having a boy or girl more likely, but I tend to believe that some people and their partner just have a particular kind of biochemistry that makes one sex more likely than another.
I know it's supposed to be 50/50 every time, but once you've had three or more of the same sex, do you really believe that?
For instance, I think my wife and I could have ten kids and they'd all be boys. There are some guys reading this right now who feel the exact opposite, that they're going to have girls no matter how many kids they have. I'd like to test this hypothesis by continuing to have kids with my wife, but my responsibility here is pretty minimal. And I think she'd strangle me if I got her pregnant again.
The real positive here for you is that after your girls make it through their teenage years -- when every boy on earth spends all day scheming to try and get them to text naked photos to him -- eventually they'll grow up and get married. And you'll get old. Then your daughters will help take care of you in old age while everyone who has sons will be getting put in retirement homes.
So eventually you win.
In the meantime, I'm picturing you silently weeping over the Victoria's Secret bills. I don't blame you. Every dad reading this is thinking, "Every teenage boy already wants to see my daughters naked and now I have to go and make it more likely by buying a new-age lacey push-up bra to make him think her boobs are even bigger than they actually are? What has my life come to?"
"Tinder is easily one of the greatest social media apps ever created. We all know how it works by now & what every guy & girl on here uses it for. (Ladies, your scripture quote & statement saying you're not DTF isn't a deterrence by the way. Every guy will still swipe right with the goal of making it to the promised land in your pants.)
I was on a rapid right swipe binge the other day when I stumbled on Nashville cougar hunters Jennifer & Bernadette. These ladies have no shame in their tinder game proudly displaying their respective families. After I got done laughing, I thought of how sick I'd be if I saw my mom on here.
Clay, if you weren't a married gay Muslim, what course of action would you take if you saw your mom on Tinder?"
My mom would be tough, but only one of my parents can even log on to the Internet. I'm not sure my dad has ever sent an email. I know he's never sent a text message. My mom has to pull up my articles and say, "Norm, come read what Clay wrote on the Internet."
So I don't think that's very likely for my parents.
What about your wife or girlfriend or husband or boyfriend on Tinder? Wait, those are my kids! And my husband! This has to happen pretty frequently, right? If I was better looking I'd be worried about someone trying to pretend to be me on Tinder.
Can you imagine the work Kliff Kingsbury could do on Tinder?
He's the first man to receive a 100% match rate. (This, by the way, would be a great addition to Tinder, what percentage of people are getting right swiped? You could use analytics. Do I go with the bikini or the tuxedo, the dog and the cat or the niece and nephew photo? This would be be pretty fascinating).
Chris K. writes:
"How many times per week do you get told to watch Breaking Bad and WHY DO YOU KEEP REFUSING TO DO SO?!?!"
Because all of you are BIG BULLIES and are ALWAYS SCREAMING AT ME. If you keep this bullying up I'm going to move to Brooklyn, buy 1980's Converse sneakers and write for Deadspin about how everyone but me and my hipster friends are stupid and racist.
You guys better watch out.
More seriously, I get told all the time by y'all to watch Breaking Bad. And I will when I have time to watch a series that has that many episodes to catch up on. But it's a major undertaking to jump into a series that's over five seasons old. I barely have time to keep up with the TV I watch now. Especially when Johnny Manziel is getting a penis lawsuit and UT frat kids are putting hot sauce on their genitals.
True story, last night I was almost late for my three year old's spring recital because I came home to write about the UT genital hot saucing. My wife's texting me from the program, "Where are you?" growly face emoticon.
And I'm texting back, "You think these genital hot sauce posts just write themselves?"
Then I rush to the program, park illegally, sprint inside the church, slide in literally as my three year old walks out to sing a song -- which none of the kids actually sang -- cheer heartily, and then sprint back outside to keep my car from geting towed.
It's tough being me.
Right now I'm still half asleep because I stayed up too late watching the newest episode of the The Challenge last night. God, I love that show. SPOILER: Johnny Bananas eliminating Jordan was great TV.
I've actually caught up on all my shows now. "The Americans" ended on Wednesday. It's only two seasons old and you guys need to be watching it. "Game of Thrones," is winding down, "Mad Men," is almost over. It has been an embarrassment of TV riches for me and now it's going to be a TV wasteland.
So I may try "Breaking Bad," soon, just so you'll stop bullying me.
But if this genital hot saucing keeps happening, I'm only one man.
"There are only three people who can help with my predicament, You, Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David. And since I only have the possibility of accessing you, the mailbag will have to do. I am having a problem with my neighbors parking in front of my house. Since they have acquired a new car for their high school daughter and their other daughter has moved back in after college, they have 4 cars. They have a one lane driveway but no garage. So they keep 2 cars in the driveway and 2 on the street. The problem is, they always park 2 of the cars in front of our house instead of theirs. I believe this is utterly insane. There is absolutely no reason for them not to park in front of their house. I don't understand why you wouldn't want to park in front of your own house. The other day I came home and as expected, they were both there. Once of them was encroaching on my driveway. They seem like perfectly normal people and we exchange pleasantries from time to time. Why would they be doing this? How do I confront the situation without coming off like a jerk? The only logical thing I can come up with besides telling them not to park there, which would become awkward, is my wife is expecting so I anticipate people dropping by frequently when the baby is born in June. So I could say that we need parking for friends and family. What do you think? I think I have a Curb Your Enthusiasm episode on my hands."
I don't understand this move either. I only park in front of my own house. If I park in front of someone else's house, I actually feel bad, like I should leave a note apologizing for doing so. (Note: This does not apply for big cities. For instance, I used to parallel park in Washington, D.C. and there were never any spots on the street then. You just took spots wherever you could find them. So we're not talking about a situation where there are no spots on the street.)
Are they parking that way because there are rules about which way you're supposed to park on the street and they are always going the same direction when they leave the house in the morning? That makes a bit more sense, but it's still an ass move. You can't turn around in the morning? I just flout those rules in my neighborhood and get a ticket for parking the wrong way on the street every six months or so. (It probably doesn't surprise you guys that if I think a rule is stupid I don't follow it).
I hate to suggest you use your wife's pregnancy to try and move them off parking directly in front of your house, but it might be worth a try. The only other suggestion I'd have is always parking in front of their house. They might eventually find this annoying and adjust their behavior accordingly.
Game of Thrones SPOILER ALERT
"I've been on the GoT bandwagon since season 1. Although I've never read the books I was hooked from the first episode and have done a great job at avoiding spoilers. Recently I got my wife to start watching it with me so I've been going back re-watching the previous seasons while simultaneously watching the newest. It got me thinking.. is Ned Stark's death the most jaw dropping moment in TV? This was still season 1 before it became a cultural phenomenon and there were spoilers everywhere (I'm looking at you Red Wedding). I watched it again last week and my wife's jaw hit the floor and stayed there for at least 30 minutes. The entire first season basically revolved around Ned Stark and I just knew there was no way they'd actually kill off the biggest actor and at the time most important character on the show. So what's your opinion? Can you think of any other moments in TV that were as shocking or more so?"
I really can't. The key here is that it has to happen in season one because the precedent hasn't been set. As unbelievable as the Red Wedding was in season three, you knew that something like this could happen because of the next to last episode of season one. I would say that season one of "Homeland" is probably the most intense season of television I've ever seen. Just in the sense that you had no idea what might happen in the final several episodes, but I don't think there was a jawdropping single moment that left anyone speechless.
Homeland has been all downhill since then, but season one was fabulous.
I mean, Ned Stark was the entirety of that show, we'd viewed everything through his perspective.
And then, bam, he's gone.
House of Cards Spoiler:
The first episode of House of Cards season two is up there, but not quite on the same level.
I asked on Twitter and no one could really top season one of Game of Thrones. So I think Ned Stark's beheading is probably the most shocking moment in TV history.
Thanks to all of you for your support of Outkick and I hope you all have great Memorial Day weekends. Here are Todd Fuhrman and I doing our weekly gambling segment.