All That and a Bag of Mail: LeBron's Cramps Edition
It's the 70th anniversary of D-Day, which reminds me of the fiftieth anniversary of my high school's 9th grade Algebra 2 final. I remember this because Cody Osborne put D down for every answer he didn't know on the test in honor of D-Day.
By the way, am I the only person who can't remember what he wore yesterday, but I can remember where I sat in Algebra 2 class?
Anyway, a few weeks ago I wrote about this in the mailbag, but can you imagine how screwed we'd all be if Hitler rose to power in the present day and the millennial generation was drafted and had to storm the beaches at Normandy? They'd be Facebook posting over whether or not someone was being bullied in basic training. "This is just totally NOT FAIR."
"Are you really telling me that this landing craft doesn't have WIFI? How am I supposed to Tweet? "Look out h8ers! #herewecomegermany @#natzissuck" (Can you imagine how misspelled Nazi would be on Twitter if Hitler was alive today?)
So much for surprises, DDay would be trending world wide before any of the ships arrived. Then when the ships arrived, the millennials would look outisde and be like, "Hold on, they're shooting at us. I've got to take a selfie of this." (Head explodes selfie).
Anyway, our beaver pelt traders of the week are the greatest generation. Seriously, take some time off from being outraged on Twitter and go read about World War II. What these guys did is extraordinary.
Now on to the mailbag.
Tons of you on email and Twitter:
"What about LeBron's cramps?"
Here's the deal, how did no one on the Miami Heat training staff think to give LeBron IV's before the game and at halftime? How many trainers/doctors do the Heat employ? Like five or six, right? Do we really need that many guys to get athlete groin and hamstrings loose? Did none of these trainers think, "Hey I'm going to stop massaging Chris Bosh's perineum and get some IV fluids in LeBron instead."
It was clear the air conditioning was off. You know you've got an athlete with a history of cramping. This isn't rocket science. Get the man an IV. Instead, LeBron went out with cramping -- being carried off the court, no less. And the Spurs crushed the Heat down the stretch. Proving, as if we doubted it at all, that the Heat are a bad team if LeBron's not playing.
In a pre-air conditioning era, by the way, how much would cramping have been LeBron's kryptonite? Would he have ever been able to finish games in the old Boston Garden when there was no air conditioning? Is there an NBA rule that says you have to have air conditioning? Lots of college gyms still don't have air conditioning and no one even mentions it. For instance, Vandy's Memorial Gym doesn't. It's sweltering in there sometimes. If air conditioning isn't an NBA rule, why do the Spurs have to get the air conditioning fixed?
I also wonder about cramping in general, did it happen to some Civil War soldiers? Like, you're in the middle of Pickett's Charge and you get a cramp and can't keep going? You fall down to the ground and everyone else around you has minie ball wounds and you're laying there beside a guy who just took a cannonball to the head, and you're banging the ground like, 'My calf is killing me! Oh, God, this hurts so bad!"
Did some guys think they got shot and then find out it was just cramps after the battle? After the battle your friends come up to you and they're like, "Zebulon, let me see that bullet you took in the leg. That looked bad. Let me get you to the field hospital. We gonna have to saw your leg off?"
And Zebulon's all panicked like, "It missed the bone. I think I'm going to be okay."
Also, wouldn't you love to see the Powerade reps when LeBron went down with cramps. I wish these guys were mic'ed up. Powerade guy, "F--- me. I am so f-----. I knew we shouldn't have signed LeBron! I knew it! We had to pick the guy in the league with the worst cramps of all time and give him our made-up drink." Meanwhile Gatorade, which also doesn't work as well as water, is actually sending out taunting tweets about how its players don't ever cramp.
This might be the worst product placement since OJ was sprinting through airports for Hertz.
"All week I've wanted to walk around just shouting "you raped her, you murdered her, you killed her children." However I feel like HR would not approve of me yelling this throughout the office. Which made me wonder is this "Game of Thrones" scene the greatest line/scene in cinema from that you aren't allowed to repeat in a public setting or am I missing others? I know I could come up with some raunchy banter from a comedy but from a drama/suspense that almost our entire society knows about I can't think of another."
You're not alone.
If I was a comic, this would be my intro music.
"You raped her, you murdered her, you killed her children."
On constant repeat.
Also, incidentally, I'm toying with the idea of putting together a list of things that Outkick disapproves of. We hate cancer, death, racism, rape, AIDS, homophobia, malaria, girls with fat bingo wing'd arms.
It's a long list.
I just want to be able to cite it when people get mad at us. "No, no, no, we hate death too. We're anti-death."
"I'm 20 years old at your favorite university, and I'm a virgin who still has feelings for his ex gf from middle school. Please help, put me in your mailbag if you have to. I actually went out to eat with my ex the other day and all she talked about was her "guy problems." I'm that deep in the friendzone with her so I need other options. Thank you."
I think you're romanticizing the puppy love that you had in 7th or 8th grade. Give it up, you're twenty and in college. This is the most fertile potential sexual playing field you'll ever have in your entire life unless you become a professional athlete, a rock star, or a movie star. Don't waste this bevy of attractive single women by being all mopey about your 7th grade girlfriend. Moreover, don't waste it by blaming anyone else for your situation. This is on you. Most people spend their entire lives -- and you'll eventually find this to be true -- making excuses for external factors that have limited their successes. Don't be most people. You control you, don't worry about anyone else. Especially when you're single in college.
So here's my advice -- you just need to screw someone. I know, I know, true love waits and all that crap. That's not true. Just have sex. Wear a condom and you'll be fine. The first time you have sex it will be awkward and short, but once you have sex two things will happen: a. you'll realize it's lots of fun and b. you'll realize it's not that big of a deal.
Right now you're hung up on a false 19th century idealized version of love and sex. You want to ride off a unicorn with your virgin bride and make love on a bearskin rug in a magical castle in the sky. But, get this, it ain't happening. Meanwhile, sex is fun. In fact, so long as you don't get a sexually transmitted disease or get a girl pregnant, I feel pretty confident that when you're a married man, you'll be able to look back on your college years and say, "Yeah, I don't regret any woman I ever slept with when I was single."
In fact, if you're like most married men you'll actually spend much more time thinking about the girls that you could have slept with that you didn't. You'll be Monday Morning quarterbacking yourself 18 years after you turned 21 years old. "Damn it, why was I so stupid? What I should have done was..."
Married life is like "Groundhog Day" for past sexual mishaps.
Every single married man reading this right now can tell you the sexual experience he most regrets blowing. Every. Single. One. (Except for your husband, ladies, who just lied to you when you asked him if this was true.)
"My buddy and I got into a heated debate over what I was going to wear out to the bar last night: a cute t-shirt crop top, a shiny pair of a sandals, and the apparent deal breaker... high waisted jean shorts. I've heard numerous arguments from dudes that these make girls asses disappear, and therefore are ugly to look at. But I disagree. I would like to think that the amount of squats I do on a weekly basis constitute me having an ass with or without said high waisted shorts. They're cute, perfect with crop tops, and this ended up being quite the debate. I wore them anyway, but damn him if I didn't feel self conscious as all hell that my butt was nonexistent. Settle this for all Clay: these high waisted shorts, acceptable summer wear or not?"
Here's the deal, tiny Daisy Duke shorts are undefeated. If you have a great ass and want to wear shorts to attract approving attention from men these are the shorts you should always wear.
Don't overthink this by trying to be trendy.
"My wife played softball her entire life and in college at Creighton beginning in 2003. Immediately after reading this week's mailbag, I asked her on gchat "Did you ever wear a big ribbon or anything in your hair while playing?" to test the theory. Her immediate response... "Most of the time. not every game but more often than not. I had to distinguish myself as straight."
You guys inundated me with emails from former college softball players saying that the big ribbon in the hair was a sign that you're straight.
So I feel confident that we've officially answered last week's question. Big bows mean you're straight, no bows means you're a lesbian. As always, running Outkick the Coverage means you're a gay Muslim.
Eric S. writes:
"It's graduation season again, and I'm getting hit up for a donation from my alma mater. I graduated from a Pac 12 school and the donation slip allows me to support a specific program or scholarship fund. That got me thinking about the craziest demand/request I could make and how much money I'd need to actually make it happen. I figured five billion dollars would get me fully funded, graduate level cryptozoology department. Imagine spending your formative years sitting in class discussing Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster. (Incidentally, marijuana is legal in this state.)
If you had Steve Ballmer money, what would you ask for and how much would you be willing to throw down to make it happen?"
You've way overstated what a endowed program would cost. Colleges are like strip clubs, you give them enough money and they can make anything happen.
I have zero doubt that if I gave twenty million dollars we could start the Clay Travis Institute for Vampire Studies at George Washington University.
But, honestly, just for the reaction, I'd love to give twenty million dollars to Bob Jones University and see if they would begin a program of studies designed to turn gay people straight.
The Clay Travis Straight School would be an outstanding television show.
I mean, I'd totally pull the money once we'd agreed to all the parameters, but do you think we'd get there? I do.
Sid G. writes:
"How much money could Huggies or Pampers make if they made diapers with sports teams' logos printed on the inside? I have a six-month-old daughter and I would buy the bama diapers in bulk so she could pee and poop all over their logo. In fact, I think college football fans of all schools would buy the bama diapers. Even the 85% would buy them because the "everyone must know that Alabama is their favorite team at every moment of their life" rule also applies to their babies."
I love this idea. Especially because members of the 85% would fill their Facebook profiles with pictures of their kids crapping on Auburn or Tennessee logos. I mean, that would be their entire Facebook feed. Well, it would be, Bible verses, links to pictures of cats doing funny things, and their kids pooing.
Ethan C. writes:
"I'm a 23 year old college grad living in New England. I've been dating my girlfriend for about 9 months. We met on Tinder and I'm pretty happy in my relationship except 1) she takes an absurd of time to get ready and is always late (not a big deal) and 2) She keeps talking about wanting to be with me forever and having kids together one day (which is kind of freaking me out). Part of me wants to restart my Tinder account to kind of test the waters since I may be dating a stage-5 clinger but the other part of me thinks that would be unethical. Should I take the risk of recreating my account (where she could find out about it or one of her friends would) or do I stay pat in my relationship?"
Yeah, number one ain't changing. As for number two, decide how much you like her. It's not worth secretly creating a Twitter account and hoping you don't get caught. If you're going to do that just end the relationship.
You're 23, you have tons of options. She wants to get married and have your babies. That terrifies you. Let her find someone else to get married to and have their babies instead.
You'll both be fine.
"Clay, As the proud new owner of a vasectomy, I'm a bit insulted it doesn't have cool name like "Tommy John" surgery. Shouldn't the first guy to have his manhood tweaked in that fashion have the surgery named after him? That guy would never have to buy another beer, ever. He needs a new publicist. You should take up his cause. Maybe there is a free one in there for you somewhere? OKTC HOF worthy?"
This is a great question.
Who was the man who agreed to have voluntary experimental vasectomy surgery on his genitals?
Can you imagine if a doctor set you down and said, "Okay, we're pretty sure this surgery will stop your sperm from coming out in the ejaculate, but we're not 100% sure."
First vasectomy patient: "Okay, what are my risk factors?"
Doctor: "Well, your penis might stop working forever."
First vasectomy patient: "Alright, I'm in."
Who was this guy? And how much did he hate his wife and kids? This guy's misanthropic story deserves to be told.
Also, I won't ever get a vasectomy because what happens if I'm the only person who survives a horrible plague and there's only one woman left too and Kate Upton and I have to repopulate the earth?