All That and a Bag of Mail: Kliff Kingsbury Crush Edition
The entire SEC is going crazy.
You knew this was going to happen as soon as four head coaching jobs came open. But the jobs aren't even officially open yet and already we're all crazy. You should see my Twitter feed, the emails flooding into OKTC. It's officially coaching season. And there's never been more insanity in the SEC because there has never been four jobs open at once. I've written about it before, but college coaches are the only highly skilled professionals with perpetual free agency. The CEO of Coke can't take over Pepsi the next day, but the head coach at Alabama could certainly be the head coach at Auburn the next day.
It's pure insanity.
You can't trust anyone because agents are floating names and contacts to get a coach a raise. Why? Because even if a coach isn't a legitimate candidate for a job, his current boss will panic and give him an extension and even more money. Your story can literally be wrong one minute, right the next, and back to wrong again.
As quickly as one person can change his mind, the fickle football future of your favorite team can change.
I absolutely love it.
Our beaver pelt traders of the week?
The Baguars from last nights Colts-Jaguars game.
Thanks to Michael Campbell for emailing it in.
This picture kills me.
Now on to the mailbag.
"I'm a Kentucky fan. Last night I dreamed that Kliff Kingsbury and I were on a boat hanging out for the weekend. Just the two of us. I'm straight, but I sort of feel gay after having this dream about another guy I've never met hanging out with me on a boat. As a gay man, can you tell me if you think I'm also gay."
You're clearly gay.
But, and this is your saving grace, you fit under the recently established Outkick the Coverage SEC maxim of: "It's not gay if it's Kliff Kingsbury."
Having said that, I need more details about the dream. Were you shirtless? If not, did you encourage Kliff to get more comfortable on the boat and take his shirt off? Were you drinking anything other than Bud Light? Were you sober? Did you drunkenly espouse the benefits of Lexington, Kentucky while using the phrase, "crush mad ass, bro?"
We need so many more details about your dream.
Having said all this, I've been inundated by emails about Kliff Kingsbury.
My friend Tardio, another straight Kentucky fan, did Google searches on Kingsbury until he uncovered a web page about a wedding where he was a groomsman.
Here was his entire email, which you can picture him typing like a lovestruck 14 year old girl, "Kingsbury is so awesome."
Here's the wedding description of Kliff:
"We first met as freshman at Tech and became best friends before the year ended. As the years have passed there have been so many good times... What started as lodge parties, pledgeship, brawls during basketball games at the rec center, college "margarita nights", 4th of July on the river, Cap Rock Cafe on Sundays, beating UT, talks about being NFL agent and player, and vegas trips... Later became East coast living (Miami and Boston), fishing trips, brawls during basketball games at 24 hour fitness, vietnamese food for training purposes, more 4th of Julys on the river, law school graduation, me signing NFL players as clients, KK winning a Superbowl, and well... vegas trips. KK is one of those rare people who you know is special immediately upon meeting him. His unrivaled competitiveness has rubbed off in my life in so many ways. We've always discussed, debated, and broken down everything in our lives no matter how big or small- family issues, careers, girls, ideas, investments, movies, books, cities, the future... The thing I appreciate the most is that no matter how spirited or heated the conversation gets, it's never personal and there's never a scoreboard. He's the friend who just wants the best for you and never allows you to settle for less. He's a brother and will always be a part of our family. If I had to go to war with anyone in this world it would be Kliff."
Remember it's not gay if it's Kliff Kingsbury.
Ben P. writes:
"Auburn offers Saban $15 million per yr for 5 yrs, guaranteed. Does he consider it?"
First, Alabama would match every offer up to and including sexual favors from every girl in the state on the day she turns 18 years old. Do you know how much of an Alabama fan's self worth is wrapped up in Nick Saban? Like 98%. What else does the average Bama fan have to live for? A great interest rate on the single wide, the buy one get one free sale on Bear Bryant statues at the local Wal-Mart, calling me gay, and free dinner on Wednesday at the local church. That's it. There's nothing else for them to live for.
And this is why I think you have to do it if you're Auburn.
You know Alabama is going to match, right? So why not offer Nick Saban an exorbitant amount and make Alabama's athletic department go bankrupt trying to match the offer. Especially since you know there's no way you're going to have to actually pay it. Even Lord Saban wouldn't pull this move, would he? (Although if he did switch to Auburn this would be extraordinary, the best thing to ever happen to OKTC. Yes, even better than the buttchugging press conference).
For instance, Tim Cook is now the CEO of Apple, right? He's got billions of dollars. What if he called up Auburn and said, "I will personally underwrite the entire cost of payiing Nick Saban $15 million a year." That's a rounding error for him. Plus, it's a tax deductible contribution. Given how skilled insanely rich people's accountants are, he'd probably end up somehow saving money by doing this.
So why not make the offer?
Can you imagine the Alabama fan panic if Auburn offered Saban $15 million a year?
Plus, it's actually smart business. I've argued this for a while, Saban is hugely underpaid. Bama is saving millions of dollars by not having to pay as much as they should for their top asset. If Alabama had to pay Nick Saban $15 million a year, that's $10 million a year less that Bama has to spend elsewhere. Over time, couldn't your program take advantage of those extra resources. (Hint, with more bagmen).
There's no doubt that Saban is worth at least $10 million a year. Hell, I personally think Saban is the most underpaid entertainer in America today. The Situation made more money than he did last year.
Do it, Auburn, do it.
Chris B. writes:
"Clay, I saw you Tweet that it's inevitable that UT and the Titans will be fighting over Gruden this offseason. What odds do you actually give that they're bidding against one another?"
Given how things have gone for both teams this season: 100%
UT and the Titans are such disasters that both teams have formed one colossal dumpster fire right now. It's only natural that these east and middle Tennessee fires connect.
The fire has gotten so bad that both programs have also lit the fire truck on fire.
So this is the only logical end to the process, Tennessee and the Titans bidding against each other for the services of Jon Gruden. The entire city of Nashville would just dive off the pedestrian bridge into the Cumberland River. But this is coming, just wait.
It's the only possible end to the raging fires of incompetence currently burning at both places.
"How long will James Franklin be at Vandy? Would James Franklin go to Tennessee? Would UT fans accept him if he did?"
James Franklin is making a ton of money at Vanderbilt, nearly $3 million a year. So I think Vanderbilt would match any offers he got from other programs. I still think Auburn and Arkansas would also be smart to make a run at Franklin. I don't think he'd go, but you could do much worse. If Franklin finds a way to get Vandy to 7-5 or 8-4, his name is going to skyrocket. Vandy hasn't won eight games in a season in thirty years.
They haven't won nine in a season since 1915.
He's recruiting great, he's a salesman, he's smart and young.
I have no doubt that James Franklin would kill at Tennessee, absolutely kill. And UT fans would love him.
If Gruden says no to the massive amount of money Tennessee will offer him then, after much thought, here's my revised coaching list. (Note: I don't care about anything but winning football games. We're not hiring the pope here, we're hiring a football coach. So what if he's a bad husband?)
1. Jon Gruden
2. Bobby Petrino
3. Charlie Strong
4. James Franklin
5. Dan Mullen
6. Gary Patterson
7. Gus Malzahn
If Tennessee can't get one of these seven guys, I'm not sure it's worth firing Dooley at all.
Mike Connolly writes:
"My daughter will be born Friday. What would be the worst SEC-themed name I could give her?"
First, congrats on your daughter.
"Should guys be proud or angry if they found out their girlfriend/wife used to hook up with a player from their favorite team?"
Lots of Arkansas fans:
"Who do you think Arkansas should hire?"
I'd rehire Bobby Petrino.
People say, "But we'll get killed for that nationally!"
I'm sorry, is Arkansas otherwise being praised nationally? Am I turning on the television to hear people say, "Boy, you know one state that's really got their education system figured out is Arkansas." And, "If you want to look at a state that has completely tackled obesity, it's Arkansas." Or, "The top state for GDP in 2012, Arkansas."
No, none of that is happening.
Oh, you mean, Arkansas is already getting killed nationally for everything?
So what if people are upset about you rehiring a football coach? Arkansas will be made fun of nationally, the same as it already is.
Petrino wins games. Period. By September no one will care anymore.
If rehiring Petrino isn't an option, here's my Arkansas list:
1. Charlie Strong
2. Tommy Tuberville
3. Butch Davis
4. Gus Malzahn
I actually think all four of these guys would be pretty damn strong hires. And if you want the guy who could be the biggest success of them all, I think it's Malzahn.
Look at what Auburn has been without him. The guy is going to score points wherever he goes. Pair him with a great defensive coordinator who you pay a ton of money to hire and I think that's a formidable tandem.
FH Alexander writes:
"Who is the best possible person to "endorse" your fraternity? I've gotta imagine Carrie Underwood has to rank high on the list. Scraped this off of a friend's facebook post, he ran into her w/ his daughter (in photo) at what looks like a Harris Teeter in the Nashville area.
Carrie Underwood is incredibly hot.
I've seen her out a few times in Nashville. Sometimes celebrities don't look that different from regular people. Carrie Underwood does. She's an absolute smoke show. Having said that, I don't recognize these letters. Can someone help me out?
Who would be the best to endorse your fraternity letters?
Here's my top five:
1. Kate Upton
2. Kate Upton
3. Kate Upton
4. Kliff Kingsbury
5. Kate Upton
The only thing better than Kate Upton in a bikini.
Me in a sports coat!
But, first, I'm 25-14 against the spread so far this year in SEC games. Here are my picks this week: Mizzou +3 at UT, A&M +13.5 at Bama, Georgia -15 at Auburn, and Mississippi State +16 at LSU. Get rich, kids.