All That and a Bag of Mail: High School Speaker Edition
By Clay Travis
The mailbag's going up early today because I'm speaking at my high school, Martin Luther King Magnet, at honors assembly day. I'm really excited about this because it's the first time I'll have ever been to a high school assembly and not been a virgin.
I can't tell you what a difference this will make.
I spent 95% of high school assembly time deciding which girl in each class I would sleep with if the world was about to come to an end and I had to pick one girl to sleep with in every class. (I have no idea what girls thought about during high school assemblies, but I always assumed it was how to avoid sleeping with Clay Travis if the world was about to come to an end and they had to sleep with one person in every class). I''ve written about this before in the mailbag, but every man reading today has done some version of this in his life. In fact, just about every grown man can tell you which girl he'd pick if you give him a high school class. (At least the ones who can remember anything from high school. I can't tell you what I had for lunch yesterday, but I can somehow tell you who I sat next to in 7th grade English class.) Like, for me, I can just rattle off my list: 10th grade English, our teacher, April Henry, 9th grade Algebra I, Anna-Marie Vandermeer, 8th grade Latin, Kesha Robertson, 10th grade French II -- Mais oui, bonjour, I dropped Latin after a year -- Duyen Ho -- her real name, 10th grade geometry, Jinaki Stallworth. I'm not kidding, I can do this for just about every class I ever took from 7th to 12th grade at Nashville's Martin Luther King Magnet.
What's more, I was skillful about this, like I didn't ever double up with girls. So if I had multiple classes with girls, I'd save them for the less talented class later in the day rather than waste them in a class where there were a bunch of hot girls.
It was like a fantasy draft before fantasy sports even existed.
So, yeah, I didn't ever sleep with anyone in high school.
In my defense, there was very little sex going on. I think like 80% of our high school class of 135 graduated virgins. It could even be a higher percentage.
Anyway, as you can tell, the entire 7th to 12th grade at Martin Luther King Magnet is in for a real treat today.
I couldn't believe it when I saw it for the first time.
I don't know if there's some sort of FDR agreement going on with the ESPN camera crews, that they won't show Dooley actually sitting on the stool during games, because an image like this certainly hasn't happened on television.
And if every camera shot is fair game, it would have to occur, right? This would be an amazing replay to show.
This picture just further confirms my belief that Derek Dooley's entire tenure at Tennessee is an elaborate comedy pyramid.
Between this shot -- please note the student manager who is in charge of holding Dooley's cane --
And this one...
How can I not be in love with Dooley at this point?
I mean, what could come next in the Dooley era? Thirteen men on the field, losing because the other team had 20 on the field, the orange pants, the celebration after beating Vandy in overtime, Sal Sunseri, a broken hip, losing to Kentucky with a wide receiver at quarterback, growing bamboo, Da'Rick Rogers, comparing his team to the Nazis on D-Day, getting pushed around in a wheelchair at Mississippi State after coaching from the press box, the orange dog, shower discipline, Dooley and Tyler Bray's clear dislike for one another that I'm convinced will end with one man choking the other on the sideline, I almost don't want to fire him just because wins and losses come and go, but some of these memories are forever.
Keep in mind, he's done all this crazy stuff while losing.
Can you imagine how funny Dooley would be if his team was actually good?
Anyway, thanks to Twitter follower @acoreydunn for tracking down that glorious photo of Dooley actually coaching from the stool.
Historians will cite this sideline stool picture like they do the one picture of FDR using crutches.
On to the mailbag:
"Is it true the LSU corn dogs are bringing Lipton tea bags to throw at Bama fans after an LSU touchdown?"
I hope so.
If only because I would love to hear Verne Lundquist try to explain why LSU fans were throwing tea bags.
Verne: "Oh. My. Goodness. It's tea bags. I believe that LSU is inviting Alabama over for tea!"
Turns to Gary Danielson, "Crumpets!"
Seriously, though, what would you pay to hear Verne attempt to describe the tea bag incident during the game? I think I would pay $1,000 to hear this. Potentially higher. Whatever I paid I'd make it back putting the video up on OKTC. So there may not even be a reasonable dollar figure I wouldn't pay. I would never stop watching this. Neither would y'all.
Speaking of which, this puported Zach Mettenberger credit card slip is everywhere on the Internet and y'all keep sending it to me. I'm not sure if it's real, but it's pretty damn funny either way.
"Would you rather watch the Chiefs play the Jags for 10 hours, or watch two dudes make out for 10 minutes?"
This is going to shock y'all, but I actually don't have much spare time. With two boys under four, a radio show, a wife, a website, travel, and a new season of Cinemax's "Skin to the Max" -- seriously, this show is amazing how come no one admits to watching this? It's like Real Sex with people you'd actually want to see naked -- I'm pretty booked.
So there's no way I'm watching anyone play a single game of football for ten hours.
Not even two good teams.
Much less the Chiefs and Jags.
So I'm picking two dudes making out for ten minutes. I don't even think this is a difficult decision. (Insert "your gay" joke here). I think straight guys overrate how gross gay people doing things is. Like I would much rather watch two men kiss than clean the toilet or change a really poopy kid's diaper. Plus, it's not as if watching two men kiss is going to make me want to kiss any guys. The gay isn't contagious. It's not like airborne Ebola. You'll be fine.
But after watching the Chiefs and Jags play for ten hours, I would totally not be fine.
"In honor of the upcoming election, what president can we relate with each head coach in the SEC?"
Mitt Romney -- Mark Richt
Because, deep down, even Republicans know Mitt Romney can't win the big game, right? He gets to the big game, and you think to yourself -- this has got to be his year! -- but deep down you know that he's going to find a way to lose and that by believing he's going to win you've just set yourself up for a huge fall.
Richt has been a head coach for over a decade and when has he said anything remotely interesting? He's the blandest successful head coach in the league. Plus, do you think you really know Mark Richt at all? Like, I feel pretty certain that I know what Les Miles or Steve Spurrier or Derek Dooley or James Franklin or Will Muschamp or just about every other coach who has been in the league for more than a year would actually be like if I had a beer with them.
I have no idea.
Barack Obama -- Nick Saban
I'm not saying Obama's the presidential equal of Saban as a coach, ease up all you rabid political people who for some reason are so convinced your side is right that you don't even have senses of humor at all, but I am saying that both Saban and Obama seem completely disinterested in whether you like them or not. They also have complete control over the entire process surrounding them, believe that they could do every subordinates job better than they can, and get annoyed when anyone questions them about their decision-making.
Basically Obama is a more likeable, less successful at his job version of Nick Saban.
For instance, can you imagine if Saban had to deal with White House press corps level scrutiny? He flips out when he gets asked about injuries. Can you imagine how he'd react if you questioned his policy in Libya? What about Saban at a state dinner? Can't you see Saban completely flipping out when someone questioned why he wasn't wearing an American flag lapel or if he was really born in America?
If I had a television network, I think I could do an entire season of shows about Nick Saban as President and barely scratch the surface of potential storylines.
This would be an amazing show.
"Assume Bama loses to LSU, Oregon to USC or Oregon State. Would a Kansas State vs. Notre Dame national championship game reignite Civil War?
This would be a disaster.
The state of Alabama might try and secede. Which would be amazing. Because the only thing that would make Alabama crazier is if it was a nation-state. It would be like North Korea with a football obsession.
Meanwhile, Oregon fans would just smoke more pot and Phil Knight would make all the sneakers he sends to Kansas State explode on contact.
But the truth of the matter is that this would be just like an NCAA tournament when the two best teams get upset early on. Both Alabama and Oregon should win every game between now and then to play for the title. If they don't, the national champion will be worse than either of these teams.
But is that really uncommon?
It happens all the time in college basketball.
The "best" team actually wins the NCAA tournament a relatively small amount of the time. In college football we do a much better job of ensuring that the "best" team plays for the title.
I know that Notre Dame is a big television draw, but I'm not sure that Kansas State brings anyone at all.
I also have zero clue what the ticket market for this game would actually look like. My sense is that it would be incredibly easy to get tickets, but then again there might be a groundswell of fake-Notre Dame fans who jump on the bandwagon and are willing to travel for this game.
Either way, lots of college football fans like me, who are rooting for the two best teams to play in this game, Alabama and Oregon, would be completely disappointed.
The biggest travesty of all? The Oregon cheerleaders won't be on South Beach.
Bryan Speed asks:
"Who would win East Dillon team with Vince or regular Dillon team with Saracen that won it all?"
Generally, you go with the quarterbacks here, and Vince is vastly superior to Saracen.
But if you look at the running backs I think a healthy Smash is better than Luke Cafferty.
So I say we're basically square here with a slight edge to East Dillon.
Coaching is clearly equal so ultimately I say it comes down to which team has Tim Riggins playing on the field. And that was the Dillon Panthers.
So I'm going Dillon Panthers.
John Kachinko writes:
"The majority of parents that trick or treat with their kids take beers with them. Did our generation start this?"
First, I don't remember my parents going trick or treating with me. So I certainly don't remember my parent's drinking. My recollection is that my parents just sent us off into the neighborhood without any parental supervision whatsoever. Which seems kind of crazy, but then we're all much more protective now than when our parents had us. For instance, did you know that kids ride in car seats now until they're like 10 years old? Can you remember riding in a car seat? I can't. Now kids are in car seats until they're almost old enough to go to roller skate parties. I remember family trips to Disney World when my parents would put down the back seat and just let my sister and me play with no restraints at all.
That was common.
Now I think you get put in jail for this.
We have to partly blame the parenting experts who keep telling us to do the wrong things. When just about everyone reading this right now was a kid, they told our parents to make sure and put us on our stomachs to sleep. Otherwise we might die in our cribs. Then, like twenty years later, the experts reversed course and said, "Wait, wait, we were completely wrong about that -- our bad -- you should actually make sure that babies are always on their backs."
Think about what an insane mistake this is.
The experts actually encouraged our parents to treat us in a way that made it more likely that we would smother.
Then they reversed course.
Anyway, I took my four and two year old's trick or treating and about halfway through I'm carrying the two year old, two bags of full candy, and my four year old.
It was like the Trail of Halloween Tears.
As we trudged back towards home, I was thinking, how soft are kids today? They can't even carry their own candy back to their own house. One-hundred and forty years ago four year old's were repairing broken axles on the Oregon trail and hunting buffalo. Now they can't even carry their own candy.
So drinking in public is perfectly acceptable.
I think that's why all parents drink on Halloween now, because secretly we know we're completely screwed when our kids grow up, we get old, and they have to take care of us.
"Can you explain why every week the 12:21 sec game runs over into the 3:30 CBS game? Why do the not start at noon et or at four et?"
I have no clue.
You'd think the SEC would want to ensure that games don't bleed over like this. At least when it comes to the primetime game on CBS.
But if you question anything about why the television schedule exists as it does TV people get very angry at you for even asking. Witness what happened when I rightly pointed out that LSU-A&M at eleven in the morning made zero sense.
You would have thought I streaked the field while burning a Koran.
Television people act as if setting a television schedule is the most complicated possible job on earth. The schedulers act like they're Carrie Mathison from "Homeland" standing in front of a huge wall of scribbles tryiing to discern a faint pattern, with no real hope for success.
Only scheduling games isn't that complicated.
Millions of y'all do much tougher jobs every day. If you gave a reasonably smart OKTC reader -- so Alabama fans are excluded -- the scheduling job and said, "Do what most fans would want," it would be easy to pull off.
The game overlap is just dumb. I'd fix that.
Andrew Madden asks:
"Dad was driving in Arkansas today. Hog fans feel that they will be choosing between Tuberville and Gruden. What's realistic?"
Tuberville is very realistic.
So is Charlie Strong, who I'd probably prefer over Tuberville if I was an Arkansas fan.
The idea that Jon Gruden would go to Arkansas is so patently absurd that only someone from Arkansas could ever believe it's true. Gruden will either coach the Vols or he won't be in college next year. Period. The lunacy and stupidity of the Arkansas Razorback fan base is completely underrated. That's primarily because no one really pays attention to what they're doing from one season to the next. The Arkansas fan base is like your great-uncle who the family has disowned but who occasionally shows up at Christmas and tells you why you need to join his militia.
Everyone's having a good time, passing the pecan pies around the table, and then he just says, "I have 78 AK-47's buried in Grandpa's old watermelon patch. When the government comes for you -- and they're coming soon -- I'll be waiting with my friends. We also have cords set up to block the tanks."
"What superlative if any did you receive from Martin Luther King high school?"
Everyone in the entire graduating class of 135 got a superlative.
Mine was "Most likely to fall while bowling."
I'm off to speak at my high school. Here are the picks against the spread this weekend
I'm 21-13 on the season so far and I've got five SEC games for you this weekend:
LSU +9, Tulsa +9, Vandy -7, Ole Miss +14.5, Texas A-M -6.5