A second week of college football is in the books, and after mind-boggling losses by TCU and Sur La Table Texas Tech, it’s time once again for brief and unnecessarily hostile assessments of each of college football’s top teams. This is the brutally honest Top 25: Week 2.
Getty ImagesTyler Smith
Miami Hurricanes (2-0), re-rank: 24
Facing stiffer opposition in Week 2, the Hurricanes rolled to a steady 38-10 win over the FAU Rootin’ Tootin’ Commutin’ Students.
Getty ImagesJoel Auerbach
Arkansas (2-0), re-rank: 25
Arkansas shocks formerly-ranked TCU in double-overtime, cruelly raising the hopes of Razorbacks fans and confirming the national media will not sleep until the Horned Frogs are eliminated from their rightful perennial place in the CFB Playoff.
Getty ImagesRonald Martinez
Florida (2-0), re-rank: 26
Previously unranked, the Florida Gators cannonballed into the Top 25 the old-fashioned way -- by euthanizing an all-too-willing SEC hospice-Schnauzer.
Getty ImagesMike Ehrmann
Oregon (2-0), re-rank: 22
A solid win over a feisty Virginia team means Oregon’s quest for an at-large spot outside the College Football Playoffs remains unhindered.
Getty ImagesJonathan Ferrey
Baylor (2-0), re-rank: 2,002
Baylor handled its business again in Week 2, avoiding a trap game against Southern Methodist and cementing itself as an untenable den of iniquity that should be heaved one brick at a time into the Mariana Trench.
Getty ImagesTom Pennington
LSU (1-1), re-rank: 21
Notched a much-needed bounce-back win against the Gamecocks: Gobot Edition.
Getty ImagesJonathan Bachman
Ole Miss (1-1), re-rank: 18
Did not lose to Wofford -- the Camp Lejeune of Lyft drivers in training.
Getty ImagesJoe Murphy
Notre Dame (1-1), re-rank: 16
DeShone Kizer gave Notre Dame fans further hope on Saturday, throwing for two touchdowns and running in a score against Nevada -- which isn’t even a thing.
Getty ImagesJoe Robbins
Texas A&M (2-0), re-rank: 15
Kevin Sumlin hewed the head off Prairie View A&M’s panther mascot and hung it from the Kyle Field ramparts as a warning to other A&Ms.
Getty ImagesBob Levey
Georgia (2-0), re-rank: 20
After coming out hot in Week 1, Nick Chubb and the Pending Disappointments barely survived an afternoon of trench warfare with hard-hitting baby shower Nicholls State.
Getty ImagesScott Cunningham
Tennessee (2-0), re-rank: 17
Far from the biggest win at College GameDay.
Getty ImagesMichael Shroyer
Oklahoma (1-1), re-rank: 13
Had their McNuggets mixed by Houston in Week 1, but got back on track by crunching the superiorly-named Louisiana-Monroe Warhawks.
Getty ImagesBrett Deering
Iowa (2-0), re-rank: 11
Football Tom Crean and the Rough and Tumble Bird Boys' win Iowa’s only victory of note over Iowa State in 2016 and then moved their bodies like a cyclone.
Getty ImagesMatthew Holst
Michigan State (1-0), re-rank: 14
Opted to bask in Week 1's win over a large scholastic book fair instead of playing in Week 2.
Getty ImagesStacy Revere
Texas (2-0), re-rank: 12
Charlie Strong and his righteous fury prevail over UTEP in Week 2. The glistening lamb shanks of discipline that are his forearms will not be denied their fill.
Getty ImagesCooper Neill
Louisville (2-0), re-rank: 7
A reminder that Lamar Jackson is a horrifying quantity and will certainly not be exposed once the Cardinals begin playing opponents outside the finger-painting circuit.
Getty ImagesBrett Carlsen
Wisconsin (2-0), re-rank: 9
Stomped the Akron Zips 54-10, and are on the fast lane to becoming the most insufferable yet again.
Getty ImagesDylan Buell
Washington (2-0), re-rank: 8
The Huskies took a 59-14 win over the Idaho Hustling Potato Men on Saturday and look to continue their tearful streak of executions against the Portland State Etsy-neers in Week 3.
Getty ImagesOtto Greule Jr
Stanford (1-0), re-rank: 10
Getty ImagesEzra Shaw
Houston (2-0), re-rank: 4
Bushwick Bill survived so he could see this season.
Getty ImagesThomas B. Shea
Clemson (2-0), re-rank: 19
Fourteen spots is a conservative drop for a supposed national title contender that nearly DeSean Jacksoned away a game to a school that's probably an app promoted by Kate Upton.
Getty ImagesTyler Smith
Michigan (2-0), re-rank: 4
Sauteed UCF, whose top related Google searches remain “Blake Bortles girlfriend” and “bigger Stetson??”
Getty ImagesDave Reginek
Ohio State (2-0), re-rank: 1
Hosted and toasted Tulsa—a fine city populated by Asics lawn shoes.
Getty ImagesJamie Sabau
Florida State (2-0), re-rank: 5
Did what it was supposed to do against a cotillion manners school. Soup’s on.
Getty ImagesDon Juan Moore
Alabama (2-0), re-rank: 2
Brought shame upon its house by failing to extract all of the marrow from Western Kentucky’s broken bones. Dan is on Twitter doing the crying man tweet.