This was the week. The big one. After Week 2’s slate of anonymous alley fights, Week 3 was supposed to be Tyson vs. Holyfield on every other channel. Some of the heavyweight bouts played out as billed. Others morphed into Waterloo in miniature real quick. What we’re left with now is a heavy shakeup across the board, and it’s time again to sift the aftermath like the jerks we are. This is the brutally honest Top 25: Week 3.
Getty ImagesBobby Ellis
Oklahoma (1-2), re-rank: McRib
As mentioned in previous weeks, Oklahoma is the McRib of college football, and the McRib is not back. This remains the case after Oklahoma’s Week 3 pantsing at the hands of Ohio State, wherein the Buckeyes handled the Sooners on each side of the ball and then threw them against a bay window to see if they’d stick. I mean, the Sooners were literally used as a prop in their own demise.
Getty ImagesJackson Laizure
Utah (3-0), re-rank: 25
A new face in the Top 25 after Week 3, the Utes have quietly racked up a strong resume of wins over Utah’s most under-caffeinated book clubs.
Getty ImagesGeorge Frey
Ole Miss (1-2), re-rank: 26
Briefly confused Alabama by clapping and roaring.
Getty ImagesKevin C. Cox
San Diego State (3-0), re-rank: 21
Left their jobs selling e-cigarettes door-to-door to do battle in the interior with the Northern Illinois Corn People. Another first-timer to the Top 25 in 2016, San Diego State football will treat you just as well as their basketball team in March.
Getty ImagesSean M. Haffey
Texas (2-1), re-rank: 22
Lost to Cal, who lost to San Diego State, which by the transitive property makes Texas a lesser Highlander than the state of California's most overrated tertiary characters. Charlie Strong's head glistens with disapproval.
Getty ImagesBrian Bahr
Nebraska (3-0), re-rank: 21
Notched a big win for the Big Ten and people with funnel cake for blood by disposing of Niketown University.
Getty ImagesSteven Branscombe
Florida (3-0), re-rank: 20
Continued its Kevorkian euthanasia campaign against CFB's most bedridden afterthoughts with a 32-0 blanking of the North Texas Mean Green—a program that still encourages moms to coordinate who's bringing orange slices.
Getty ImagesRob Foldy
LSU (2-1), re-rank: 19
Barely fended off a post-Prescott Mississippi State at home for what might be the most joyless win of the college football season at large. Continues to serve as little more than a flimsy shipping container for Leonard Fournette.
Getty ImagesJonathan Bachman
Arkansas (3-0), re-rank: 17
Another high-scoring win for the Razorbacks, who continue to climb national polls like a husky child heading for the high dive. It’s only a matter of time until the thunder-clap of t-shirt on water echoes across the SEC.
Getty ImagesWesley Hitt
Baylor (3-0), re-rank: 3,002
Won the game but accepted a basket of fresh-baked Ls from the Rice marching band. Faces its first real challenge of the season in Week 4 with a home game against Farm-to-Table Tech, but will hopefully be shut down by executive order before then.
Getty ImagesBob Levey
Miami, FL (3-0), re-rank: 14
Took the path less traveled and didn't soil itself against Appalachian State like all the other cool kids.
Getty ImagesTyler Lecka
Tennessee (3-0), re-rank: 18
Like Mufasa dangling over the stampede, the Vols are hanging desperately to a flawless record after a hard-fought slap battle against mighty, mighty Ohio. They open up conference play against the Gators next week. Have fun with that.
Getty ImagesMichael Chang
Florida State (2-1), re-rank: 16
Were ground into bone meal, packed into an artillery shell and launched deeply into irrelevance by Lamar Jackson and the Louisville Cardinals.
Getty ImagesBobby Ellis
Georgia (3-0), re-rank: 13
Moved up four places in the national polls despite a narrow 28-27 victory over Missouri -- because, this week, the biggest win is not losing by 43 points.
Getty ImagesEd Zurga
Wisconsin (3-0), re-rank: 12
Facing overwhelming odds, Alex Hornibrook and the Wisconsin "My Family Has A Lake House"-ers mounted a late rally to win Saturday’s home game against Sun Belt behemoths Georgia State.
Getty ImagesDylan Buell
Texas A&M (3-0), re-rank: 9
Beat Auburn at Auburn, signaling the beginning of the funeral procession for a team that was Weekend At Bernie’s-dead this entire time.
Getty ImagesButch Dill
Washington (3-0), re-rank: 10
Continues to reap the benefits of finding its opponents on Craigslist.
Getty ImagesOtto Greule Jr
Michigan State (2-0), re-rank: 7
Fresh off a two-week break, the Spartans strolled into Football Wally World and beat Notre Dame at home 36-28. Nothing is ever good in South Bend.
Getty ImagesStacy Revere
Stanford (2-0), re-rank: 8
Getty ImagesThearon W. Henderson
Houston (3-0), re-rank: 5
Handed Cincinnati its biggest loss since Harambe. Is still sippin’ lean, still watchin’ screens.
Getty ImagesJoe Robbins
Clemson (3-0), re-rank: 6
Took out its mounting self-hate on South Carolina State, scoring 59 unanswered points against the only American university founded expressly for the education and training of Piggly Wiggly managers.
Getty ImagesTyler Smith
Michigan (3-0), re-rank: 4
Handled itself at home by dispatching Colorado 45-28. Assassinated various key figures on the Buffaloes sideline with the help of Jabrill Peppers.
Getty ImagesDuane Burleson
Louisville (3-0), re-rank: 2
Begin gathering your tribute for King Lamar and pray he accepts you as his vassal.
Getty ImagesAndy Lyons
Ohio State (3-0), re-rank: 1
Chalked up a nice win over McRib at McRib, although Noah Brown should be tested for radiation and/or tails.
Getty ImagesScott Halleran
Alabama (3-0), re-rank: 3
Looked shaky early after taking Ole Miss’ best shot in Oxford, but continued on its inexorable golem course toward the national title thanks to crucial halftime animal sacrifices by Nick Saban. Dan is on Twitter. Ninety percent of football is timely necromancy.