Questions with Comedians: John Caparulo on Cleveland sports, adult movies & more
DEC 03, 2013 12:35p ET
This week's guest on Questions with Comedians is John Caparulo.
The longtime standup comic is a regular on "Chelsea Lately," has toured the country with Vince Vaughn on a comedy tour, and has also made multiple appearances on "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" and "Jimmy Kimmel Live."
Before we dive into the questions, take a few minutes watching Caparulo be funny (Warning: There is some bad language in the video below, so put on your earbuds if you're at work):
1. If you could be a star in any sport what would it be? Which team/position?
Caparulo: That's a tough one. Pro football is by far my favorite sport, but getting hit makes me cry. Plus I'm not much of a team player. I'd be a big locker room distraction with everyone laughing at my p**is. I'd probably be an American League pitcher. That way, I could be a hero once a week and shower at home. Being an AL pitcher seems like it would have all the advantages of an individual sport without resorting to golf or bowling.
2. Who is your least favorite professional athlete and why?
Caparulo: Maurice Jones-Drew. I have a tremendous respect for every NFL player, and I'm always interested to hear their perspectives about the game. But I think there are some of them who don't show enough respect to the fans, the media and especially those who paved the way for them.
Most of them know next to nothing about the NFL before the day they're drafted because, understandably, they've been consumed with playing high school and college football for the past eight years. Well, while they've been popping zits and flunking algebra, there are grown men (with no lives) keeping the flame for the game that they'll one day enter. So a guy like Phil Simms, who's been around the NFL for 35 years and has a Super Bowl MVP under his belt, just might have a little bit more expertise about the league as a whole than a guy who's spent the past six years leading the Jaguars to mediocrity.
3. Who's the sexiest professional athlete (male or female) out there today?
Caparulo: Tom Brady.
4. What's the hardest part about being a Cleveland sports fan?
Caparulo: I was only a Cleveland Browns fan to be honest. I just remember being told that I was a Browns fan when I was about 4 years old and that being a "fair weather fan" was like the worst thing anyone could be. It was like an arranged marriage to a really ugly girl. For a few seasons in the late '80s, that ugly girl fixed herself up enough to make a baby. But then Dr. Byner fumbled our baby away upon delivery.
When the Browns moved to Baltimore, it was like she died in an accident. But then three years later, she reappeared. She wasn't dead after all, just horribly disfigured!! That ugly girl returned home uglier than ever!! By then, I had moved away to Los Angeles. She tries to call me on Sundays, but I don't answer.
5. What's your best Vince Vaughn story?
Caparulo: Before the show in Cleveland, the director and I spent the afternoon at my sister's house shooting interviews with my family for the movie. That night, Vince gave all of them autographed T-shirts for HALF PRICE!!
6. Which band would you like to see play halftime of the Super Bowl?
Caparulo: The Super Bowl halftime is too long. I love football. I don't need Bon Jovi and some half-assed, glow stick party to get me interested in its championship game. They should bring back the halftime show from Super Bowl I. We'd see some pathetic marching band, the jet-pack guy, and then it's on to the third quarter.
7. What would be your walk-up (to the plate) song if you played pro baseball?
Caparulo: Eye of The Tiger. I'm pretty sure everyone would wanna see me get into the game if that were my intro music, even if I sucked. Come to think of it, that's what punters should start doing. If you had a good intro song, the fans might be less disappointed that you're on the field.
8. Pro athletes are used to being hounded by groupies. I'm guessing comedians hear from some, too. What's the strangest thing a groupie has done to get your attention?
Caparulo: Married me.
9. You said one of the worst jobs you've ever had is being a greenskeeper at a golf course. What's your funniest memory from that job?
Caparulo: My friend Josh and I were out catching gophers one morning. We had just finished feeding a big one to our pet hawk that lived off the 10th fairway when Josh's cell phone rang. It was a call from the tattoo parlor where he did piercings. He asked if I'd like to run over there with him to pierce some guy's tongue. I'd never do such a thing for free, but since I was on the clock, it seemed like a good idea.
The procedure itself was fairly uneventful. But I sat back watching this kid celebrate his 18th birthday by getting a needle in his mouth, and I wondered if he had any idea that the same fingers that were squeezing his tongue had been around a gopher's tail just 15 minutes before that.
10. What's your guilty pleasure TV show and why do you love it?
Caparulo: Doesn't porn qualify as everyone's guilty pleasure? I mean, if somebody walks in on you while you're watching porn, I don't think anyone actually says, "Just hold on a minute while I finish this."
11. Who are three people in history that you'd like to have over to watch a ballgame?
Caparulo: Well, the first guy is alive and well, but I'd love to watch a game with Ron Jaworski. And then the other two would have to be Roy Scheider and Robert Shaw, simply because they're the only guys that I can trust to get rid of Jaws if he becomes a problem.