Detroit Tigers: Justin Verlander will be the fastest-working pitcher in the league because, well, he’ll want to go home and spend time with his girlfriend, Kate Upton.
Minnesota Twins: Ron Gardenhire will spend many sleepless nights trying to figure out a way to play Joe Mauer at first base, second base, shortstop, third base, left field, center field, right field and catcher all at the same time.
Houston Astros: The team will have a new "Name Three Guys on Our Team and Get Tickets to 20 of Our Games" promotion … and still not see an uptick in attendance.
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim: Mike Trout will finally live up to expectations and win an MVP award.
Oakland A’s: Fans in right field will weep the first time the team brings in its new closer. RIP, Balfour Rage.
Texas Rangers: Ian Kinsler recently said that he hopes his former team goes 0-162 this season. Warren Buffet, who knows how to jump on a good opportunity, will offer to hand out a billion dollars to every Ranger fan if that actually happens.
Seattle Mariners: Midway through the season, Robinson Cano will finally realize what $240 million can buy him – irrelevancy.
New York Mets: After yet another slow start to the season, the Mets will add Phil Jackson to the front office … and absolutely nothing will change.
Philadelphia Phillies: The team will quickly start selling a side of heart defibrillators with their new Bacon Dogs with Cheez Whiz.
Miami Marlins: After complaining during spring training about the Red Sox not bringing any stars to their game, Marlins execs will be forced to apologize to their own fans every night for being the Marlins.
Washington Nationals: After bulking up a lot over the offseason, thanks mostly to Girl Scout cookies (and probably some weightlifting), Bryce Harper will often be seen tucking a few Thin Mints into his cheek before heading to the outfield.