The Oscar nominations were announced on Tuesday morning, and because the Super Bowl isn't for a week and a half and I don't have much else to do, here are the 9 Best Picture nominees along with their sports equivalents.
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"Hell or High Water" = Ezekiel Elliott
...because it’s a great Texas chase.
"Hacksaw Ridge" = Colorado Rockies 2B DJ Lemahieu
...because both are supposedly pretty good and I have no plans of ever watching either.
"Manchester by the Sea" = Anthony Davis’s 2017 season
...because both are unequivocally brilliant and also super, duper depressing.
"Arrival" = The Patriots offense
...because it is unique and beautiful and I’m only smart enough to understand like 80% of it.
"Moonlight" = Russell Westbrook
...because it is amazing, intense, brilliant, and I fully expect it to get snubbed for a trophy.
"Hidden Figures" = Auston Matthews
...because we all thought it would be successful but, like, we didn’t think it’d be this successful. You're welcome for not making an "out of this world" joke here.
"Lion" = Australian cricket captain Steve Smith
...because the internet tells me both are very good and I haven’t met a single person who has ever watched either of them.
"La La Land" = 2017 Minnesota Timberwolves
...because both are likable, charming, fun, and ultimately kinda stink.
"Fences" = Mike Trout
...because he hits balls over them. Listen this article was a stretch from the beginning. I’m sorry. I'm sorry. I'm trying to remove it.