Intangibles include adorability, lateral quickness, slobbery upside.
We're pretty far into the college football season, and chances are good your team has already doinked itself out of playoff contention.
That's OK. The world might be a cruel and unending charade of compounding nightmares, but we still somehow have live mascots — adorable, vibrant, living and breathing sports animals who just hang out near football games and eat turnips or whatever.
In these dark times, we need billy goats in school colors chewing their cud. The following is a definitive ranking of popular college sports mascots from least to most adorable (along with my general thoughts and impressions of each candidate).
I hope you enjoy. And don't sleep on Ralphie the Buffalo.
Biff — Michigan Wolverines
Tusk — Arkansas Razorbacks
Nope nope nope.
Stacy RevereGetty Images
Sir Big Spur — South Carolina Gamecocks
Just before you close your eyes to go to sleep at night, look into the darkened space of your closet and think about how Sir Big Spur could be in there, crapping on your dress shirts and praying you try to do something about it.
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War Eagle — Auburn Tigers
Became an unofficial Auburn mascot/rallying cry despite not being a tiger, because in 1892 some Civil War veteran brought an eagle to a game in and people were like "That's badass."*
Ranger and Stryker — Army Black Knights
Mules: like horses, with the safety on.
Bill the Goat — Navy Midshipmen
He doesn't particularly enjoy it, but Bill the Goat allows his horns to taped by a lacrosse attackman for God and country.
Aurora — Air Force Falcons
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Rameses — North Carolina Tar Heels
Stopped asking if this paint is water or lead-based a long time ago.
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Boomer & Sooner — Oklahoma Sooners
Mutually fed up with each other's selfish, nagging ways, but must keep up appearances every Saturday.
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Traveler — USC Trojans
Among the better horses.
Stella the Owl — Temple Owls
Lost many things in the transition to captivity, including her eggs and groove.
Cam the Ram — Colorado State Rams
Elegant. Stately. The Eleanor Roosevelt of ram mascots.
Mike the Tiger — LSU Tigers
Ralphie — Colorado Buffaloes
A sleeper pick among herd animal mascots, Ralphie is a living testament to the vitality and beauty of buffaloes — the wooly mammoths of cows.
Dubs — Washington Huskies
An adorable dog who is willing to eat your babies. He's seen them and he knows he could do it.
Renegade — Florida State Seminoles
Spots > stripes > solid colors. I think we can all agree on this.
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Bevo — Texas Longhorns
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Blue — Butler Bulldogs
A blueblood among adorable animal mascots, but has lost a step or two since cooking up a flapjack on the court at the NCAA tournament.