I'm going to level with you—I have no reason to write this other than sheer indignancy over the current state of affairs within the sports mascot community.
It's a mess, frankly. We've got 500 pirates of varying sash colors, 800 horse-related beasts and only a handful of truly original team mascots.
This makes no sense. We have so many animals on the planet. So many we're still finding new versions of the damn things.
We have no excuse for this myopic approach to sports mascot selection, and the following is a rundown of creatures that need to be adopted as the spiritual talisman of a major sports franchise.
Because the Baja Blue-footed Boobies don't exist and that, you see, is a problem.
The Pachycephalosaurus is a consistently underrated dinosaur and deserves to enter the popular sports culture of headbutt-centric mascots.
There are no less than 50 billy goat/mountain ram mascots gallavanting around major American sports, and a single pachycephalosaurus would headbutt each of their faces off with its face and then flip an FJ Cruiser because those people are terrible.
It's a solid dinosaur, is what I'm saying.
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Not the fiercest animal, but remember your team gets to run on the field in turquoise cleats to the rhythmic chant of “BOOBIES! BOOBIES!” That's a no-brainer.
They're nature’s Navy SEALs.
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I’m including the flying squirrel here because I didn’t believe there was a sports team out there named after nature’s Travis Pastrana but GOOD NEWS.
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Known as “the world’s deadliest bird," cassowaries are what would happen if you took a velociraptor, doubled it in size, added feathers and made it hate the world.
These rude death-ostriches can grow up to six-and-a-half-feet tall, are wildly territorial and come equipped with razor sharp claws that can kill a man with a single kick. They are also native to Papua New Guinea, which is why you never hear “We’re going to Papua New Guinea."
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The immortal jellyfish is the San Antonio Spurs of the animal kingdom in that it literally cannot die.
Indeed: whenever it gets close to dying, the immortal jellyfish just reverses into a “sexually immature” stage and Euro-steps Robert Horry in the lane.*
*“The Immortal Jellyfish” is also the projected title of Ghostface Killah’s final studio album.
The gharial is a fish-eating native of the Indian subcontinent and the only member of the crocodile family to get a nose job and not act like it’s better than everybody at Thanksgiving.
An endangered species of bear widely regarded among zoologists as the 2Chainz of ursine mammals.
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The Angora Rabbit is one of the oldest species of rabbit known to man, and would make an excellent team mascot for no other reason than I desire an excuse to play Sean Paul’s hook from “Temperature” excessively in front of thousands.